News Clits

29 07 2011

Summer’s Eve ads try and fail to sell douching products with talking vaginas and racial stereotypes

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week’s douching product will turn your vertical smile into a vertical frown.

A new ad campaign for the douching product Summer’s Eve, entitled “Hail to the V” did anything but. In the first place, I have big beef with douching products. They’re unhealthy and unnecessary, selling shame and bullshit unhygienic insecurities to women while potentially messing with the pH balance in the vagina. That means god awful itchy yeast infections in your future, not wafting scents of rose petals and lavender like a walking Glade PlugIn.

But Summer’s Eve found another way to try and stuff douching products up our ying yangs (And they don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to advertising). This time they used talking pussy hand puppets that spouted offensive racial stereotypes. Three separate ads represented an African American, Latina and Caucasian woman’s vagina cajoling her to use Summer’s Eve products, as if by doing so she’s showing her V some love. Check out some short clips of the spectacular train wrecks below, with commentary from the online news show, The Young Turks.

But the ad agency, The Richards Group, who recently defended the campaign by calling it “relatable,” pulled the ads on Wednesday in response to the enormous negative backlash. The agency gave this statement about the ads to the media news website Adweek: “We do not think they are stereotypical, nor did we obviously intend that. However, it’s a subjective point of view. There seems to be an important perception out there that they may be, and we would never want to perpetuate that.” The agency originally defended the ads, claiming that their “multicultural experts” confirmed that the videos were relatable. What I’d like to know is what kind of dubious “experts” did they consult? The ads include the type of vernacular that we hear from tired caricatures, like the black woman’s “Mhmmmmmmm” and the Latina woman’s “Ay-yi-yi.” I half expected to hear an “Arrrrrrrrrrriba!” tossed in there for good measure.

Apparently Latina vaginas don't like leopard print thongs.

The campaign has raised critiques that ad agencies lack minority voices to filter these types of racially insensitive representations, according to Daily News. Throwing around these kinds of stereotypes doesn’t empower women; it racially stigmatizes them by portraying them as sassy, one-trick-pony sound bytes. Even Stephen Colbert weighed in on the ridiculous caricatures. After watching the African American vagina ad on The Colbert Report, he stated, “Wow, that vagina really had an urban feel. It’s even more convincing than Tyler Perry’s vagina.” He even provided his own spoof ad that addresses men and their “deeply troubling genitals” by marketing a pine-scented dick scrub. I love the concept, especially the cucumber ball dip for the man-on-the-go.

Now I enjoy a talking vagina as much as the next person – hell, probably more – but I don’t enjoy seeing them portrayed as inherently unclean and in need of manufactured cleansers in order to hit the club or freshen up after the gym. Plus, if my V could talk she would probably be more inclined to ask for pole dancing lessons, or a mirror on the ceiling so she can get more face time. Funnily enough, in the ad featuring the Caucasian pussy her V exclaims that they should be B.F.F.’s, or sidekicks, while asking very passive aggressively if she can have a little attention. Jesus, get a backbone, vagina! I have to side with Moxie Bird on this one, the Caucasian cooch bores me out of my skull and makes me want to shake some assertiveness into her. However strange that statement sounds, I stand by it.

Summer’s Eve may have claimed that their campaign was empowering because they used the word “vagina” when many media outlets don’t allow it, but that clearly didn’t cut it. Portraying different races as cookie-cutter caricatures certainly got women talking, but not in a way that benefited Summer’s Eve. The company that markets V products should know that if our cunts could speak they would say, “Don’t talk down to us, douche.”


Cool your cooch in the summer heat!

23 07 2011

Summer weather is hitting us full force and it’s as hot as a witch’s cunt, so to speak. So as you bop down the street in your cute li’l onesie or adorable floral skirt, you may be wondering how to keep your cooch cool. Because when it gets hot down there things melt like a pink popsicle left out on a park bench in the sun. Unlike a mushy chilled treat, your vag may not be gathering ants, but it’s probably not at its prime thermostat conditions. Everyone knows about the dreaded snail trail that you tend to leave behind on stools, plastic chairs or black leather couches when it’s a particularly moist day. So for your summer comfort, here’s a few ideas we highly recommend to keep your cooch cool!* Stay fresh, ladies!

*Warning: some of these ideas are totally unreasonable. 1234V takes no responsibility for the severe public embarrassment, frost bite or chaffing that some of these activities may cause.

1. Strap an ice pack pad over your underwear. The only downside is it would be fairly bulky, like those chunky-thick menstrual pads from the 60s, only colder. And once it melts it will undoubtedly look like you pissed yourself. No one said staying cool doesn’t come without sacrifices.

2. Affix a miniature fan to the front of your skivvies. This isn’t really feasible under pants or tights, but perfect for a skirt. Think perma-Marilyn Munroe moments all day long. Just hold ‘er down and smile for all the bemused and horrified onlookers. But be wary of the electric unit short circuiting in your panties and catching ablaze. Because then you have a forest fire on your hands. Plus, that won’t be a fun hospital visit.

Keep an eye on your skirt to avoid this.

3. Skinny dip your cunny frequently. Spy a public fountain? Strip down and dip your digit in there. Your neighbour has a pool? Great, abuse that shit by hopping the fence and soaking your clam during your lunch break. Will the sight of a half naked woman popping a twat-squat into the shallow end of a pool alarm the occupants of neighbouring houses? Probably, but putting on a show is the price you pay for reducing your volcanic vag inferno.

4. Dive vag-first down a slip’n’slide covered in very, very cold water. Aside from rekindling nostalgic childhood memories, the upside to this is you can pull the wet plastic runway out anywhere and take a plunge. Maybe check to make sure that there are no children around because there will be a lot of dramatic, splash zone frontal nudity.

Wet and wild and somewhat inappropriate.

5. Persuade a pack of men to stand in a circle around you and simultaneously pump streams of H20 at your pussy with fully loaded Super Soakers. Kind of like a giant bukkake-themed water fight, except less disgusting.

6. Carry around some slices of English cucumber and stuff them up your Venus Flytrap. The added bonus of this Martha Stewart-inspired tip is that you will waft a cool, fresh scent all day long. Just make sure to check and replace them often because nobody needs a pickled pussy.

7. Take up ice sculpting and fashion yourself an icicle dildo. For all the temperature play fans out there this one could be both very hot and cold. The only downside is your masturbation sessions will get shorter because if you don’t cum then obviously your frosty fuck-toy won’t wait for you. Think about sexy chilly figures throughout history, like Jack Frost, Suzy Snowflake, the Snow Queen, Bonhomme, Mr. Freeze (guuurl, you know he’s packing), and Sarah Palin. Just make sure to jill off speedily so you don’t end up with a creamy slushie in your twat, unless that suits you or your partner’s tastes. Then go ahead and sluuuuurp!

Frostbite anyone?

News Clits

20 05 2011

Brazilian woman wins the right to masturbate at work

Here on the Vlog we will now be providing commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex and health related topics. Because May is National Masturbation Month this story slips in quite nicely.

Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, legally won the right to pleasure herself and watch porn in her workplace. She argued that because she has a chemical imbalance that causes anxiety and hypersexuality, her only source of relief is to beat around the bush frequently and a Brazilian judge ruled in her favour. She claims that sometimes she would rub her nubbin’ 47 times a day! That’s quite an intimidating feat, especially when you consider all the multitasking between your morning email rounds, your lunch date and your afternoon meetings. That’s also a hell of a lot of hand washing trips, unless you keep a bottle of hand sanitizer at the ready.

Double-clicking your mouse all day is hard work.

Bezerra sought professional help and is now taking a prescribed combination of medications that cut her pussy pampering sessions to 18 times a day. I guess that’s a relief, less than half the amount. But looking at that number still makes me feel tired. Not to mention sore. But not everyone weighing in on this feels like it’s a victory for accommodating unique sexual needs in the workplace. Although this case enters into un-chartered territory the concern seems to focus on whether or not Bezerra’s needs infringe on the privacy rights or comfort of her co-workers. An etiquette expert even went so far as to suggest that she shouldn’t have her ankles up on the desk or dress provocatively in fishnets. I mean really? Is it realistic to think that this woman is going to lay back, with her heels up and her twat on display and put on a show for the benefit of the entire office? This is a sexual need that she obviously struggles with just to get through her day, and while the rights and privacy of her fellow employees is just as important, it’s easy enough to make accommodations to ensure that when Bezerra strums her pink banjo she won’t be in plain view. If adjustments can be made for other disabilities in the workplace I don’ see why this should be any different.

Another point of tension is that this type of sexual disorder is highly contested in the medical community. Hypersexuality is often linked as a symptom of bipolar disorder but the research in this area is still extremely limited. Sex addiction in general is still an issue that psychologists can have trouble diagnosing or even breaching with patients, so the fact that Bezerra’s case was given this type of progressive treatment is a step in the right direction.

What’s nifty is that this court case was won during National Masturbation Month, which was founded in 1995 by San Francisco-based sex shop, Good Vibrations. It was inspired when Joycelyn Elders, a Surgeon General of the United States, who was fired by the White House for suggesting that young people should be taught how to get themselves off as part of sex education because it’s a low-sexual risk activity.

Masturbation is a free, healthy, safe, de-stress tool that we can use independently whenever we feel the need. So take the time to be good to your twat, whether you’re having a quickie in the middle of the afternoon or hosting an all night clit-flick marathon. And even though May is the month for muffin buffin’ it’s something we should do shamelessly all year round. So get off your vagina and do something! Like play with yourself.

Be kind to your cunt.

Delving deep into dirty daydreams at an erotic fantasy workshop, this week on the V!

12 05 2011

Right from the outset of Megan Andelloux’s Fantasy Island workshop at Good For Her I couldn’t help but notice her resemblance to Wilma Flinstone, if the Bedrock babe specialized in sassy sex education for a living, that is.

The vivacious red-head is a Certified Sexuality and HIV Educator from the US and last week she spoke to a group of us about erotic fantasies and healthy, fun ways to communicate them and explore them. She’s also a Sexologist who lectures internationally at educational and sexual institutions, as well as medical schools, where she has helped train doctors to avoid using the clitoris as a thumb rest during pap smears. Reducing law suits and keeping cooches safe is a pretty admirable feat. Not to mention The Vagina Monologues named her “Vagina Warrior of the year.” I’m quite jealous of that title. If I had it I would place it front and centre on my business card.

Andelloux’s spunky attitude and down-to-earth approach to discussing sexual fantasies definitely eased the tension. We began the workshop by drawing sexual fantasies we believe are shared commonly by people. Then we crumpled them, tossed them around the room, picked one up and described it. Examples were: spanking, hot nurse, threesomes, orgies, bondage, and a young girl. Typical, if you’re browsing the homepage of your average porn site.

But our actual sexual fantasies can be very detailed, multifaceted narratives that are selected or change depending on our mood and kinks, whether we are single or in some kind of relationship(s), what kind of porn or erotica we consume, or whatever experiences inspire us. Sex fantasies are the natural choose-your-own-adventure activity of our horny minds. The beauty is that we can engage in them just as easily while doing the laundry as having a quickie in a parking lot or masturbating on a Tuesday night. As Andelloux was quick to point out, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ that we have.

A smorgasbord of fantasy functions

In our discussion we addressed how fantasies can serve various purposes. They can be a hot, entertaining distraction. You know, like when you’re stuck riding the Viva or the Go Train for an hour plus and there isn’t any appealing reading material around. Or they can help us to partake in the impossible, like fantastical situations that involve any combination of vampires, yeti’s, centaurs, mermaids, etc. But fantasies also allow us to participate in situations that we would probably never dream of actually fulfilling, for instance rape, pedophilia or incest. Andelloux emphasized that these examples can have legal implications in real life, and even rape role playing can have serious ramifications if one party decides to pursue legal action afterwards. Because child pornography creation and possession is illegal this is an area that should also be tread carefully. But we didn’t explore the complex implications that these types of fantasies may have on our psyches or our desires in the workshop. Another benefit of fantasizing while you’re polishing the pearl or fucking is that it can result in quicker or longer or more fulfilling orgasms, especially if you need something to jumpstart or regain your mojo.

Your hind legs are looking fine guuuurl

We debated whether or not fantasizing about someone else during sex with a partner constitutes cheating, which got pretty interesting. As Andelloux inquired, what if the person or people you are fantasizing about are faceless? Is it less real or loyal in that case? Personally I believe that as long as a fantasy remains in the realm of fantasy then infidelity is not an issue. But can fantasizing ever become chronic or unhealthy? Andelloux explained that if you cannot function sexually without fantasizing then you might have a problem.

Talk dirty to me

And then there’s the process of actually communicating your fantasy with the partner(s) in your life. There’s always that deep fear that they won’t dig it. Although it puts you in a vulnerable place it can be healthy to share your fantasies with the sexual partners that you trust because if they are on board it can greatly enhance your naughty play. Andelloux pointed out that nowadays you can use your cell to sext your fantasies. Like sending your partner a list of all the things you want them to do to you when you get home, which is technology instant gratification at its best, I’d say. She also suggested getting old school creative and writing a message on your body or leaving dirty instructions around the house for them to find.

I dare say, someone's been a naughty little slut muffin!

When shit gets real

In the second half of the workshop we made the shift from discussing fantasies to talking about practical, safe ways to explore some of them. A topic that we plugged away at the most was butt play. As a self-identifying medical nerd, Andelloux explained the ins and outs of anal anatomy and cleared up myths about uncontrollable bowel movements and the like. Some memorable tips: your rectum will suck things in like a black hole so make sure whatever you stick in it has a wider base; if you need to relax your anus just concentrate on wiggling both your fingers and your toes, or relaxing your jaw, which has a similar effect on the rest of the body; and you should never rip something out of your ass. So if you get the chance to play out your fantasies try to be smart and safe about it, particularly when it comes to butt plugs.

Fuck! I forgot my safeword again!

Celebrating sexy smut at the 2011 Feminist Porn Awards

22 04 2011

Waving around the Pure Wand, a 1.5 pound silver G&P* (*prostrate) spot vibrator, Ryan G. Hinds exposed one of the alluring silent auction prizes at the 2011 Feminist Porn Awards. I looked on eagerly, and it didn’t go unnoticed as Hind pointed me out and my desire was exposed by the spotlight. I mean, it’s a magnificent looking toy. And it was a night full of lustful looks and lusty lookers.

Held in The Berkeley Church (a venue that is ironic in a sweetly sinful way), Toronto’s sixth annual award ceremony was dedicated to celebrating and praising the porn makers, visionaries and actors who create the lewd content we love to leer at.

Feminist porn has become an appealing alternative to mainstream flicks for me because it showcases real people having hot, kinky sex who aren’t airbrushed to the point of being ridiculously fake, or thrust together without an ounce of mutual sexual desire (mechanical thrusts and disinterested moans are such a huge turn-off). It’s hot to know that the ladies or gents I watch fuck are actually getting off and expressing their authentic desires. I also love that it recognizes the sexiness and legitimacy of all bodies and sexual identities, whether it’s queer, gay, lesbian, straight, bi, trans, or anything in-between.

Watching the awards from the balcony this year, I got the pleasure of observing Ryan’s cheeky banter with host Jane Luk, who was on the stage below, and witnessing, from a mere foot away, his interview with porn star Jizz Lee, who performed in 12 nominated films and is a personal favourite (check out her sizzling chemistry with real-life partner Syd Blakovich in Champion and Superfreak). Another added bonus was that I could easily peek at the deep-dish cleavage of most of the ground-floor audience, including the busty actress April Flores, a fire-engine red head whose sultry curves always heat up the screen.

Besides being a perv, I always love attending the Feminist porn awards because being in the middle of huge community that is coming together to support and embrace sex-positive expression is a really inspiring and empowering thing. It always feels like I’m attending a hot, shameless, secret carnival where the freaks run the show. Being part of such a beautiful, fearless crowd of people has also helped to bring out the perverted, pro-sex feminist in me, and to own it.

As for the award winners of the night, Heartthrob of the Year was coveted by the boyish and gorgeous Drew Deveaux, a trans woman who believes in using the bedroom as an arena for activism. I love that feminist porn can also serve as a platform for gender, race, disability, and sexual orientation consciousness-raising. What better way to address sexual politics that legitimize diverse and fluid experiences than by getting it on, on film?

Hottest Kink Movie went to Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex 2. I’ve been curious about checking this one out for a while, mostly because the DVD includes intimate interviews with each of the submissive actors who discuss how they want their scene to unfold (also, participating actors Dylan Ryan and Madison Young are always scalding hot together). For a BDSM film, which revolves entirely around consensual play, the transparency adds an intriguing dimension and it would be interesting to gain insight into each actor’s domination wish list before watching it in action.

Courtney Trouble won Most Tantalizing Trans Film with Billy Castro Does the Mission, and Movie of the Year went to Erika Lust’s flick, Life Love Lust, which follows three steamy, visually beautiful encounters in Barcelona. You can find a complete list of all of the winners here.

Between awards there were some very tantalizing burlesque performances from Boylesque TO, the city’s oggle-worthy all male troupe, and CoCo La Creme, who has been with the Feminist Porn Awards since it’s origins and also belongs to the sultry Toronto troupe, Skin Tight Outta Sight. Boylesque paid tribute to the sexy baby-daddy trend with their campy number. To start, four fashionable pops rolled out with baby-doll-filled strollers in tow. Each of them coddled their kiddies (and tossed them quite haphazardly, I might add) until the show slowly degenerated into a delicious dancing play date in tiny whities. At the end the daddies rushed back to burp and console their tots in exaggerated concern.

Later, CoCo shimmied, shaked and seduced us on the stage with one of her infamous titillating strip teases. Decked out in a pink belly-dancing costume, which was complete with an Egyptian-style bejeweled head band, she brandished golden wing-like material from her arms with a flourish before ending the show with a twirl of her tassels.

As the night drew to a close the audience dispersed and scrambled as the area before the stage became a sweaty, pulsing dance party. Watching sexy porn stars and normies alike grind and contort to Gaga’s “Born this way” anthem seemed like a perfect end to an evening of shameless self expression, hot lovin’ and steamy smut.

Part 1 of the Boylesque daddy performance

Part 2

Sluts unite!

7 04 2011

“I was wearing pants and underwear, was it my fault too?” read one of many signs at Toronto’s first SlutWalk on Sunday, April 3.

Judging by the crowd that gathered at Queen’s park there are a lot of sluts in Toronto. And we are not afraid to show our pride. And not only women. A lot of men marched too. I observed one such man wearing nothing but black underwear as he shuffled amongst the throng, jeans down around his ankles. There were older women in leopard print and pink fur, young women in bold tights and tube tops, fishnets as far as the eye can see, and moms with kids in tow and signs that read, “Sluts R Us!”

The walk was founded after a Toronto police constable told a personal safety class at York University in January that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.” We marched on Sunday because telling a victim that they are responsible, wholly or partly for being sexually assualted based on how short their skirt is, or how much cleavage they show, is bullshit of the most illogical, shameful, disgusting kind. Assault is an issue of gender and power inequality and a woman’s appearance often serves as a scapegoat for the abuser. Rape can happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone, regardless of your wardrobe. Dressing “slutty” has nothing to do with it.

I’ve tried to remove “slut”, as a derogatry term, from my vocabulary because I think that it is a woman’s right to consensually fuck as many partners as she likes, as often as she likes, whether it is purely for pleasure or for work, without it being anyone else’s business. And women predominantly carry the slut label, not men. Many of us have had the word, or another form of it (whore, tramp, skank) hurled at us at one time or another. But by reclaiming slut we have the power to make it our own. “A slut is someone who enjoys a lot of sex, and why not?” said SlutWalk co-founder Sonya JF Barnett, and although everyone marching doesn’t claim the slut title we know that slut shaming is wrong.

Appropriately, we finished our march in front of Police Headquarters, where Barnett explained to the crowd that we were there to call foul on the city’s protective services. “We need and expect better.” Another speaker, activist Jane Doe, declared, “It’s not about one bad apple cop, it’s about the institution.” SlutWalk co-founder, Heather Jarvis, said that the group made three requests to the Toronto police; better sexual assault education and training, the use of an external party to provide recommendations, and community outreach about consent and assault. According to Jarvis, the police did not respond to any of these requests.

The reality is that victim-blaming attitudes still exist in the police force because they are prevalent in mainstream culture. News stories about cheerleaders who are penalized for refusing to cheer for their rapist, who is an athlete on the school team, are becoming more common. In Canada, as of 2009, only six percent of violent crimes, including sexual asault, were reported. And if women continue to be stygmatized by law officials that statistic will only decrease. Increased sensitivity in sexual assault training for police is a must. Apologies don’t cut it, we need action. As the SlutWalk crowd dispersed I spied a sign that articulated this urgency, brandished by a fierce-looking woman rocking jean shorts, black stockings and combat boots. It read, “Survivors have been through enough!”

Getting cocky

26 03 2011

My toungue is darting in and out between my lips as they repeatedly mimic a cross between a nibbling/kissing motion. Up one side and down the other. Repeat. This move is called “Corn on the Cob” and I’m working this “cob” for all its worth.

Except I’m not at a family-style BBQ and these are not corn niblets in my mouth. I’m actually at a blowjob workshop sucking on a silver dildo which is wrapped in a vanilla-flavoured condom, slathered with a dollop of lube.

Hosted by Carlyle Jansen, the owner of Good For Her sex shop, the in-store class is called “Tips for Giving Great Head.” And what better way to learn how to work a rod than with some good old fashioned practice. While demonstrating her corn-munching technique, Carlyle points out that you don’t have to progress row-by-row in this case, but any damn way you please. And much like with a real cob, you can’t be afraid to get in there and get messy.

I had always wanted to take an instructional fellatio class, ever since high school. When my peers likely dreamed of future sketching or spinning or cooking classes, I secretly dreamed that one day I would participate in one of these transformative deep-throating workshops and be inducted into an exclusive club of women who can confidently and contentedly work a stick shift. I think the motive originated around the time a close girl friend confided to me that she was becoming quite cocky about her BJ skills. Upon hearing that one could become pro at this sort of thing I began hounding her for tips. The one book that she always referenced was a nifty little text called Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing. Even though I always meant to borrow it, it never happened. But I knew that my perfectionist nature would not be satiated until I studied the type of knowledge in this meat manual for myself, and I intended to learn from the best.

So here I am, many years later, and I’m finally sitting in a circle surrounded by women who are here for the same reason I am. They probably aren’t fulfilling a dream harboured since grade 10, but then again, who knows. But whether the women assembled here love sucking cock or hate it, we are all here to learn how to get through it without the experience leaving a bad taste in our mouths.

So we all choose a dildo, the selection being either thick and short, or long and thin (why not thick and long for a real challenge?) and start with the basics. Enthusiasm. Eye contact. Teasing. Straight forward stuff. Then we move on to techniques, which have some fabulous names, like the “Pigeon” (which does not involve cooing and excrement, in case you were wondering), the “Dolphin,” the “Corkscrew” (it’s more pleasant than it sounds), and the “Harmonica.” And as creative as some of these are, many turn out to be fairly predictable. Aside from some inventive moves like the “Champagne Glass” — which involves using the foreskin of an uncut gent as a makeshift cup for whatever beverage tickles your taste buds (fizzy drinks add a bubbly sensation) — most of what I learned were things that I have already figured over the years. In a nutshell: use your hands; build it up; multi-task. But I did absorb some helpful tips for easier deep-throating and a variety of simultaneous hand and mouth combinations that I am eager to try out.

And the enthusiasm to experiment is what I mostly took away from the workshop. Playing with different strokes makes the experience much less predictable. If I’m bored out of my skull, then the odds are low that I am going to suck you off with much enthusiasm. Genuine enjoyment makes it better for everyone. So my advice to all the cock-suckers out there: love what you do and do what you love. And if you can’t, just imagine it’s a corncob.

That's the spirit grannie!