Tips to reheat your tuna taco on a cold winter’s eve!

30 01 2012

Feeling the chill this winter? I know I am. Or it may be the fact that my building’s furnace died and it’s only now, a day later, that we’ve started to regain heat. Sitting here, seriously considering straddling my radiator in an effort to toast my twat sparked the idea of creating some handy tips for other chilly cooches in need of warmth. But much like our summer guide to keep your pussy cool in the heat, most of these ideas are not for the faint of heart, or the overly intelligent.

*Warning: 1234V takes no responsibility for the consequences if you are crazy enough to try some of these at home.

1. Don a fuzzy merkin

It’s like wearing long-johns, but for your pussy. A merkin is a fake snatch of pubic hair, and since the trend these days is to shave off every strand between our legs, we typically have less natural protection from the cold. So buy or make a merkin (by saving your shavings, which is creepy, but economical) to wear under your undies and bask in the warmth and splendour that only a full bush can bring. Take inspiration from the many eclectic muffs featured in Amanda Palmer’s music video, “Map of Tasmania” (money, Lego and glitter may not provide affective heat barriers, even if they do look awesome). And if you don’t shave your bearded clam then you’ll just reap the benefits of a double layer of protection. Like porn stars from the 70s (who likely never got cold on set) you can now walk confidently, V first, into any snowstorm.

2. Pass the tanning oil

Set up your own vag spa by arranging some heat lamps to focus directly on your cunny. Then just lie back on your beach towel, sip your long island ice tea and let your lady bits soak up the juicy rays. You can even bring along a tanning buddy so that the two of you can gab about all the latest batshit crazy celebrity gossip while your fanny’s fry. Another upside is that later, when you walk naked around the gym change room your fellow StairMaster sisters will exclaim in envy, “Your pussy looks so tanned! Did you go on vacation?” But be warned that indulging in this activity recklessly may forever change the way you think about the words, “rug burn.”

Your cooch can be as warm and crispy as these chicken wings. Just add hot sauce.

3. Nuke your sex toys

Pop your favourite dildo in the microwave before your next self-love session. Just don’t forget it’s in there and overcook it, like last week when you spaced out and that pizza pocket exploded everywhere. Speaking of which, if your dildo does erupt into a molten mess, forgo sticking it in your cunt. Melted plastic is always easier to remove when it’s not inside of you.

4. Relieve that tense pussy

You know those reusable three second heat pads that relieve aching muscles? Well set off about twenty of them simultaneously and shove them into a diaper while you’re wearing it. Your poonani will automatically release any tension it may have been experiencing as a result of your weekly Tae Bo class or late night parkour sessions. As far as fashion statements go, you’ll look like a dumpy slob, but at least your muff will be a freakin’ inferno of awesomeness.

5. Sit on a cake

Ever heard of cake sitting? I was first introduced to the sexual fetish on the United States of Tara episode where the gutsy character Kate, played by Brie Larson, sits on the dessert during her entrepreneurial webcam exploits. But whether you get off on it or not, a cake fresh out of the oven is a perfect twat warmer, if you’re not afraid to get messy. You can have the experience of taking your first warm, gooey bite into a freshly baked good and extend it to your privates by sitting on a big ol’ bundt. That way you get the glorious nostalgia of childhood plus a potentially tasty treat for someone to lick off.  And while the fetish typically involves ladies popping a squat on birthday cakes, you don’t have to limit yourself. In fact I would encourage you to explore a wide variety of options, from a six-tiered wedding cake to rich red velvet. Now you can be the cake boss.

6. Lady nuts roasting on an open fire

During sweltering heat waves we advised you to break into neighbourhood pools to refresh your pussy, but now that the weather is frosty, you can go fireplace hopping, which is infinitely harder to pull off. First of all, people are usually in their homes when they have a fire going, so developing your ninja invisibility skills are paramount to success. For instance when the family is sitting down in the kitchen to a wholesome home cooked meal, steal into their living room, drop your bottoms and squat your V over the hearth. It’s exactly like roasting a marshmallow, with the exception of those who like to set theirs on fire and devour the burnt remains. Since there’s nothing worse than a charred cunt, maintain a safe distance and pivot accordingly to evenly heat the surface. Once your twat has successfully become a toaster oven, evacuate stealthily. Just don’t forget your bottoms.

Don't do as Danny does.

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