Fleshlights for your fright night

28 10 2011

Hallows Eve is fast approaching, and Fleshlights, the manufacturers of artificial twats, has released a freaky new line of toys for gents with more exotic jerk off tastes.

I think that pussy sleeves are an awesome sex toy option for guys who want to add some additional texture to their rub and tug sessions. And now that Fleshlights has introduced a new Freaks series inspired by popular horror flicks, guys can combine their sci-fi love with their five-finger-knuckle-shuffle.

When plain 'ol human pussy just doesn't cut it.

The V’s are modelled after fictional creatures, such as a Dracula, an alien, a cyborg, a zombie and a Frankenstein (Franken-lady?) Each pussy has a unique outer design, with labia’s that range from mildly enticing to massively unappetizing and interior vag textures meant to mimic robotic gizmos and un-dead lady bits. For some horror-filled fun it would have been interesting to see a vagina dentata, known as  a “toothed vagina”, model thrown in there, just to keep guys on their toes.

These guybrators seem tailored to those who have fright night fetishes or perhaps a case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-freaky-vag syndrome. These toys may be gimmicky as hell but you have to admit that there’s often allure in the strange and obscene, and some vibrators are right up there in terms of weirdness.

The vampire’s bat-like labia is quite interesting, in a scary, unnerving way, but not what I expected. I assumed that fangs would be mandatory on a blood sucker’s pussy and, frankly, all the better to drain someone dry with.

Besides being blue, the alien is probably the most boring of the lot and resembles a pitted fruit more than anything else. I actually kind of enjoy the look of the cyborg cooch because it resembles the exterior of a very sleek space ship. I mean it’s kind of a stretch but I suppose if you really put your imagination to work you could conjure up a sexy android squeezing your cock instead of a grooved plastic tube.

"Your hard drive is so big that you just made me short circuit."

But I can’t say the same for the other two models. The Frankenstein comes in at a close second for repulsiveness, and I have to agree whole heartedly with the Fleshbot.com review that this pussy resembles a poorly-made baseball. The stitching on this vag not only seems structurally unsound but makes me want to impulsively cradle my own twat in a protective way.

That's one mangled Franken-pussy.

And my knowledge of flesh lights might be quite limited, but even I know that when a rotted, mutilated hunk of flesh is supposed to resemble a woman’s genitalia then something is horribly, horribly wrong. It might realistically put one in mind of a zombie’s cunt, but logically one shouldn’t want to fuck something that elicits an, “OMYFUCKING GOD, BY ALL THAT’S HOLY, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” response. It looks like it could cause multiple infections, what with the open sores and all. But then again, who am I to judge the necrophilia kink? Besides, zombies need lovin’ too. Even if they wouldn’t actually blow you so much as aggressively chomp on you.

"Gurl, your rotting flesh has never looked sexier."

I would have liked to have seen a werewolf V though. No doubt the fur would have been a helluva lot more realistic, and that’s probably why it didn’t make the cut. I guess these days some guys just want something different, and sometimes that means doing the monster mash with a somewhat off-putting, frightening punany.


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