News Clits

16 09 2011

An energy drink named after our bajingos gives ladies more excuses to say “drink my pussy!”

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week’s energy drink may not give you wings, but it might leave behind a familiar after taste.

When you want a boost of energy, why chug a Red Bull or a Monster when you can slurp up some Pussy? An energy drink created by a 21-year-old in the U.K. is named after women’s lady bits. I shit you not. Refreshing or perturbing? Here’s a description from their website:

“Pussy is a 100% natural drink. No nasty chemicals and nothing manufactured. It is made for people looking for a natural alternative. The name Pussy shocks and demands attention – that’s the point. Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity. This is a premium energy drink named with confidence. Pussy believes in natural energy – because it’s better for you.”

Hmmm, a 100% natural pussy. Interesting concept. Does that mean no shaving, bleaching or piercing? But I digress. Does naming a drink after genitalia display confidence? Not really. It looks like more of a pathetic stunt to sell an unhealthy stimulant with overtly controversial visual marketing. Pussy is obviously targeted to men by offering women up as a purchasable chalice of sorts, which is interesting because men aren’t usually portrayed as avid pussy drinkers. In fact, a fella who is thirsty for the V is refreshing, since the common stereotype is that men don’t often go out of their way to go down on women. Or it’s made out to be this huge task that deserves a reward. Horror-filled cries of foul smelling fish markets and other immature comparisons are still typical, which makes the concept of men eagerly licking up cooch-in-a-can even more comical. Here’s a great parody video from Crash, Boom, Bang Theatre that plays on the flavour factor. I especially love their suggested, “Road Trip: Been in the car for 12 hours pussy.”

And on the flipside I doubt that a drink named “Cock” would fare very well among a female audience. I mean, I can’t think of a marketing campaign less appetising. Especially since the ads would likely involve women guzzling cans of “Cock”, licking their lips suggestively and dribbling it onto their tits in slow motion. Yum. I can hear the voice over now, “Cock is salty, warm and explosive in your mouth! Warning: a chaser is recommended.”

But I do enjoy Pussy’s ad with the woman’s extra cheeky naked bottom and a man kneeling before her to drink from her holy grail. It conjures up this kind of dialogue, “You better be thirsty boy! Drink it up! Chug that shit!” It’s equally ridiculous and hilarious. And everyone from Jezebelle to FitPerez has joined in on the pun-filled Pussy mocking.

Plus, this vag has personality to spare! In fact, if Pussy joined Lavalife or eHarmony, the description below would fit nicely in its profile. I’m sure it would get lots of attention, but it might have to be careful about what pictures it uploads.

 Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. A moment when something happens and when things begin – Pussy starts conversations. It believes in having a good time as often as possible.”

Well when I’m having a night out at the bar I like to bring a spontaneous pussy along, one that’s up for Rocky Mountain Bear Fuckers  and karaoke. And you can’t beat an optimistic pussy. A depressed pussy is such a goddamn buzz kill. And everyone loves to talk about a pussy that’s in the tabloids, making sex tapes and flaunting herself as she exits vehicles. Sounds like one fun pussy!

And when it comes to Pussy’s impressive list of organic ingredients, it’s got herbs and shit, so you know it’s good. Here’s a description of one, Gingko Biloba:

“According to studies, Gingko Biloba improves attention span and protects against oxidative cell damage. Particularly famously known as ‘the brain herb’ it is used to enhance memory and concentration.”

Wow. What can’t this pussy do? This pussy can restore vision to the blind. It will give you the strength to kill hundreds of men in gladiatorial combat without breaking a sweat. It will make you live for all of eternity and bring loved ones back from the dead. Yes, this pussy has it all.

But my biggest question is what are the side effects of having too much Pussy? Hearing loss? Seizures? Hallucinations? I think there should be a warning on the label. Something like: remember to drink pussy responsibly. And make sure to cum back for more.

"Mmmmmmm that's some good pussy!"


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