Cool your cooch in the summer heat!

23 07 2011

Summer weather is hitting us full force and it’s as hot as a witch’s cunt, so to speak. So as you bop down the street in your cute li’l onesie or adorable floral skirt, you may be wondering how to keep your cooch cool. Because when it gets hot down there things melt like a pink popsicle left out on a park bench in the sun. Unlike a mushy chilled treat, your vag may not be gathering ants, but it’s probably not at its prime thermostat conditions. Everyone knows about the dreaded snail trail that you tend to leave behind on stools, plastic chairs or black leather couches when it’s a particularly moist day. So for your summer comfort, here’s a few ideas we highly recommend to keep your cooch cool!* Stay fresh, ladies!

*Warning: some of these ideas are totally unreasonable. 1234V takes no responsibility for the severe public embarrassment, frost bite or chaffing that some of these activities may cause.

1. Strap an ice pack pad over your underwear. The only downside is it would be fairly bulky, like those chunky-thick menstrual pads from the 60s, only colder. And once it melts it will undoubtedly look like you pissed yourself. No one said staying cool doesn’t come without sacrifices.

2. Affix a miniature fan to the front of your skivvies. This isn’t really feasible under pants or tights, but perfect for a skirt. Think perma-Marilyn Munroe moments all day long. Just hold ‘er down and smile for all the bemused and horrified onlookers. But be wary of the electric unit short circuiting in your panties and catching ablaze. Because then you have a forest fire on your hands. Plus, that won’t be a fun hospital visit.

Keep an eye on your skirt to avoid this.

3. Skinny dip your cunny frequently. Spy a public fountain? Strip down and dip your digit in there. Your neighbour has a pool? Great, abuse that shit by hopping the fence and soaking your clam during your lunch break. Will the sight of a half naked woman popping a twat-squat into the shallow end of a pool alarm the occupants of neighbouring houses? Probably, but putting on a show is the price you pay for reducing your volcanic vag inferno.

4. Dive vag-first down a slip’n’slide covered in very, very cold water. Aside from rekindling nostalgic childhood memories, the upside to this is you can pull the wet plastic runway out anywhere and take a plunge. Maybe check to make sure that there are no children around because there will be a lot of dramatic, splash zone frontal nudity.

Wet and wild and somewhat inappropriate.

5. Persuade a pack of men to stand in a circle around you and simultaneously pump streams of H20 at your pussy with fully loaded Super Soakers. Kind of like a giant bukkake-themed water fight, except less disgusting.

6. Carry around some slices of English cucumber and stuff them up your Venus Flytrap. The added bonus of this Martha Stewart-inspired tip is that you will waft a cool, fresh scent all day long. Just make sure to check and replace them often because nobody needs a pickled pussy.

7. Take up ice sculpting and fashion yourself an icicle dildo. For all the temperature play fans out there this one could be both very hot and cold. The only downside is your masturbation sessions will get shorter because if you don’t cum then obviously your frosty fuck-toy won’t wait for you. Think about sexy chilly figures throughout history, like Jack Frost, Suzy Snowflake, the Snow Queen, Bonhomme, Mr. Freeze (guuurl, you know he’s packing), and Sarah Palin. Just make sure to jill off speedily so you don’t end up with a creamy slushie in your twat, unless that suits you or your partner’s tastes. Then go ahead and sluuuuurp!

Frostbite anyone?

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