Getting cocky

26 03 2011

My toungue is darting in and out between my lips as they repeatedly mimic a cross between a nibbling/kissing motion. Up one side and down the other. Repeat. This move is called “Corn on the Cob” and I’m working this “cob” for all its worth.

Except I’m not at a family-style BBQ and these are not corn niblets in my mouth. I’m actually at a blowjob workshop sucking on a silver dildo which is wrapped in a vanilla-flavoured condom, slathered with a dollop of lube.

Hosted by Carlyle Jansen, the owner of Good For Her sex shop, the in-store class is called “Tips for Giving Great Head.” And what better way to learn how to work a rod than with some good old fashioned practice. While demonstrating her corn-munching technique, Carlyle points out that you don’t have to progress row-by-row in this case, but any damn way you please. And much like with a real cob, you can’t be afraid to get in there and get messy.

I had always wanted to take an instructional fellatio class, ever since high school. When my peers likely dreamed of future sketching or spinning or cooking classes, I secretly dreamed that one day I would participate in one of these transformative deep-throating workshops and be inducted into an exclusive club of women who can confidently and contentedly work a stick shift. I think the motive originated around the time a close girl friend confided to me that she was becoming quite cocky about her BJ skills. Upon hearing that one could become pro at this sort of thing I began hounding her for tips. The one book that she always referenced was a nifty little text called Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing. Even though I always meant to borrow it, it never happened. But I knew that my perfectionist nature would not be satiated until I studied the type of knowledge in this meat manual for myself, and I intended to learn from the best.

So here I am, many years later, and I’m finally sitting in a circle surrounded by women who are here for the same reason I am. They probably aren’t fulfilling a dream harboured since grade 10, but then again, who knows. But whether the women assembled here love sucking cock or hate it, we are all here to learn how to get through it without the experience leaving a bad taste in our mouths.

So we all choose a dildo, the selection being either thick and short, or long and thin (why not thick and long for a real challenge?) and start with the basics. Enthusiasm. Eye contact. Teasing. Straight forward stuff. Then we move on to techniques, which have some fabulous names, like the “Pigeon” (which does not involve cooing and excrement, in case you were wondering), the “Dolphin,” the “Corkscrew” (it’s more pleasant than it sounds), and the “Harmonica.” And as creative as some of these are, many turn out to be fairly predictable. Aside from some inventive moves like the “Champagne Glass” — which involves using the foreskin of an uncut gent as a makeshift cup for whatever beverage tickles your taste buds (fizzy drinks add a bubbly sensation) — most of what I learned were things that I have already figured over the years. In a nutshell: use your hands; build it up; multi-task. But I did absorb some helpful tips for easier deep-throating and a variety of simultaneous hand and mouth combinations that I am eager to try out.

And the enthusiasm to experiment is what I mostly took away from the workshop. Playing with different strokes makes the experience much less predictable. If I’m bored out of my skull, then the odds are low that I am going to suck you off with much enthusiasm. Genuine enjoyment makes it better for everyone. So my advice to all the cock-suckers out there: love what you do and do what you love. And if you can’t, just imagine it’s a corncob.

That's the spirit grannie!




2 responses

26 03 2011
Jackie Sears

I found this article very insightful as I never knew such workshops existed lol! However I was wondering if you could share some of the tips you learned?

1 04 2011

Thank you! Yes, there are oodles of awesome workshops like this for all us folk who crave extra tutelage. For instance, some of the other feminist sex shops in Toronto that run them regularly are Red Tent Sisters and Come As You Are. I recommend investigating if any independent sex shops or sex educators in your local area offer them.
For the sake of space I’ll share one move, one of my favourites, the Harmonica.
Place your open palm against one side of their shaft (make sure to lube up first!) while sealing your open lips against the opposite side of the shaft, with the flat of your toungue pressed against it. Move your hand and mouth up and down the shaft simultaneously, or in the dialed down version your partner thrusts while you remain stationary. I love that for this move there is a low maintenance version, for those lazier days haha.

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