Want to write for us? We’re looking for batin’ stories now!!

6 02 2010

Ah, Lady batin’… a rarely discussed topic — by the ladies or the gents, at least in “polite” circles. Why isn’t the topic of rubbing one’s own V for fun as socially prevalent as the penile version of self-pleasure? Is it because women don’t masturbate? Kidding, just kidding. Is it because women are too genteel to speak of such of such frivolity? Ha. No, I think perhaps it has to do with the language used for such a mysterious activity like “airing the orchid.”After a simple and slightly disturbing search on the internet, it’s clear that there are at least twice as many slang terms for a gentleman’s menage a moi than a lady’s. It can’t be that the snake, sausage, and firehose allusions give any more to the imagination than the floral, furry, taco-shaped symbols we women have inherited over the years.

So much of the slang for fun V times is uninspired, recycled garbage. Why say, “Sorry, Barb, I’m staying in tonight to pet the pussy cat,” when you could say you’re preparing a clam bake for one, or decided to do a little finger painting? Why “tickle the taco” when you could audition the finger puppets or shake the dew off the lily? Who wants horrific things happening to the summer house like “bashing the gash” or “beating the beaver” (I threw up a little bit there) when you could enjoy a nice night in, butterin’ yer muffin, circling the knoll — or if you’re the adventurous sort — diving for pearls?

I’ll admit that many of the above terms relate to cuisine or sound like something you’d partake in on a Victorian date night, but at least they are more poetic, delightful, and playful words for how you might spend some quality time with yourself.

But that’s just one half of the peach.

There’s so very little slang around one of the classic lady devices used for a night in: the vibrator. According to dirty chit chat, women only have the use of fingers to twinkle their little star. “Battery-operated boyfriend” implies that you want a boyfriend, which isn’t always the case when you feel like taking a dip in the lake. So let me ask you this, what are some nuanced terms you enjoy batting around when you take matters into your own hands?

If you have a story that fits into this utterly fantastic theme, contact us at info(at)1234v(dot)ca! We want your tales, so get writing!

The deadline for issue 4 is March 31, 2010, for a launch in May (International Masturbation Month! Holla!).

For details around how we conduct writer business, check out our Submission Guidelines!
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