1234V is in Bitch!

2 03 2012

1234V was recently featured in the Spring Frontier #54 issue of Bitch Magazine, a non-profit publication with a mandate to provide a thoughtful feminist response to pop culture. Obviously, we’re tickled pink. Check it out here!

Spring Frontier #54 cover


A Bush of One’s Own

24 02 2012

This post is from G.B., about how, whether our V’s are hairy or hairless, what’s important is feeling sexy.

Apparently, I have a bushy bush. It’s kind of wild, a little on the coarse side, and definitely red, thanks to a paternal genetic trait that promptly disappeared after I was born. Well, to the public eye, that is. Perhaps that element of mystery has endeared me to my pubes over the years, but it hasn’t always been a nest of hairy happiness.

My first intercourse partner once made a comment – a joke, I’m sure he would argue – about my lengthy locks. “It’s like they’re trying to stop me from getting in!” “With that attitude,” I wish I had said, “you bet!” But as we all know, life’s best retorts are imaginary and such was the case in this moment between naïve teenagers.

I would, however, like to give my 17 year old self a bit of credit; until that moment, I had never suffered from the systemic fragile vaginal self image that so many women experience. In fact, I was quite pleased to have my vulva be the topic of conversation; I just would have preferred that I be the one leading it.

If so, I would have said this: For something that doesn’t really matter at all, it certainly matters a lot. No one seems to be able to refrain from commenting on hairy vag’s, balding vag’s, or all the styles in between. Everyone seems to voice their opinions with lots of authority and very little grace. And since we all have some pubes, why wouldn’t we talk about the one thing we have in common?

For me, it comes down to pleasure. No one gets to comment on how I run my sexuality or sexual body because no one else knows exactly what I like, how I like it, and certainly not why. Why does anyone like a shaved vulva that looks like a pre-pubescent’s? Why does anyone like a furry vulva that feels like you’re eating your cat alive? No one knows and at some point, we’re all going to have to deal with that, primarily by accepting that the things we each like are not the same as everyone else.

When I think back to the 70s and those classic pornographic photos of women with bushes dark and light, I am reminded that what we find sexy is often tied to cultural trends. Yes, it’s true that in the capitalist industry of video porn, it might be easier to see what’s happening with less hair in the way, but sometimes I’m more interested in how it feels – good, caring, hard, hot, quick, or slow – but mostly, strong and sexy. And for some, strong and sexy is seeing more and having less.

I think it’s problematic when we change our bodies to match a version of sexuality we’ve been taught, rather than to reflect the sexuality we’ve been able to explore. Engaging in a heated argument that will never have a winner makes us all losers as we become rudely preoccupied with the trimmings of strangers rather than the desires of ourselves.

The fact remains that what I find attractive and empowering to my sexuality may very well be the one thing that makes you cringe. And what I find nauseating may be that thing you spend hours fixated on in order to drop trou with confidence and passion. Regardless of whether we sport stubble or a mullet, we should applaud each other’s dedication to our curly down-theres and look forward to teaching our daughters the biting come backs we wish we’d said.

I’ve had my words and my wars, yet somehow my pubes have come out on top!

Words to live by.

Tips to reheat your tuna taco on a cold winter’s eve!

30 01 2012

Feeling the chill this winter? I know I am. Or it may be the fact that my building’s furnace died and it’s only now, a day later, that we’ve started to regain heat. Sitting here, seriously considering straddling my radiator in an effort to toast my twat sparked the idea of creating some handy tips for other chilly cooches in need of warmth. But much like our summer guide to keep your pussy cool in the heat, most of these ideas are not for the faint of heart, or the overly intelligent.

*Warning: 1234V takes no responsibility for the consequences if you are crazy enough to try some of these at home.

1. Don a fuzzy merkin

It’s like wearing long-johns, but for your pussy. A merkin is a fake snatch of pubic hair, and since the trend these days is to shave off every strand between our legs, we typically have less natural protection from the cold. So buy or make a merkin (by saving your shavings, which is creepy, but economical) to wear under your undies and bask in the warmth and splendour that only a full bush can bring. Take inspiration from the many eclectic muffs featured in Amanda Palmer’s music video, “Map of Tasmania” (money, Lego and glitter may not provide affective heat barriers, even if they do look awesome). And if you don’t shave your bearded clam then you’ll just reap the benefits of a double layer of protection. Like porn stars from the 70s (who likely never got cold on set) you can now walk confidently, V first, into any snowstorm.

2. Pass the tanning oil

Set up your own vag spa by arranging some heat lamps to focus directly on your cunny. Then just lie back on your beach towel, sip your long island ice tea and let your lady bits soak up the juicy rays. You can even bring along a tanning buddy so that the two of you can gab about all the latest batshit crazy celebrity gossip while your fanny’s fry. Another upside is that later, when you walk naked around the gym change room your fellow StairMaster sisters will exclaim in envy, “Your pussy looks so tanned! Did you go on vacation?” But be warned that indulging in this activity recklessly may forever change the way you think about the words, “rug burn.”

Your cooch can be as warm and crispy as these chicken wings. Just add hot sauce.

3. Nuke your sex toys

Pop your favourite dildo in the microwave before your next self-love session. Just don’t forget it’s in there and overcook it, like last week when you spaced out and that pizza pocket exploded everywhere. Speaking of which, if your dildo does erupt into a molten mess, forgo sticking it in your cunt. Melted plastic is always easier to remove when it’s not inside of you.

4. Relieve that tense pussy

You know those reusable three second heat pads that relieve aching muscles? Well set off about twenty of them simultaneously and shove them into a diaper while you’re wearing it. Your poonani will automatically release any tension it may have been experiencing as a result of your weekly Tae Bo class or late night parkour sessions. As far as fashion statements go, you’ll look like a dumpy slob, but at least your muff will be a freakin’ inferno of awesomeness.

5. Sit on a cake

Ever heard of cake sitting? I was first introduced to the sexual fetish on the United States of Tara episode where the gutsy character Kate, played by Brie Larson, sits on the dessert during her entrepreneurial webcam exploits. But whether you get off on it or not, a cake fresh out of the oven is a perfect twat warmer, if you’re not afraid to get messy. You can have the experience of taking your first warm, gooey bite into a freshly baked good and extend it to your privates by sitting on a big ol’ bundt. That way you get the glorious nostalgia of childhood plus a potentially tasty treat for someone to lick off.  And while the fetish typically involves ladies popping a squat on birthday cakes, you don’t have to limit yourself. In fact I would encourage you to explore a wide variety of options, from a six-tiered wedding cake to rich red velvet. Now you can be the cake boss.

6. Lady nuts roasting on an open fire

During sweltering heat waves we advised you to break into neighbourhood pools to refresh your pussy, but now that the weather is frosty, you can go fireplace hopping, which is infinitely harder to pull off. First of all, people are usually in their homes when they have a fire going, so developing your ninja invisibility skills are paramount to success. For instance when the family is sitting down in the kitchen to a wholesome home cooked meal, steal into their living room, drop your bottoms and squat your V over the hearth. It’s exactly like roasting a marshmallow, with the exception of those who like to set theirs on fire and devour the burnt remains. Since there’s nothing worse than a charred cunt, maintain a safe distance and pivot accordingly to evenly heat the surface. Once your twat has successfully become a toaster oven, evacuate stealthily. Just don’t forget your bottoms.

Don't do as Danny does.

Marching for your muffs!

31 12 2011

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week we discuss miffed Brits who marched to protest cosmetic surgery on our muffs. 

On Saturday Dec. 17, London had its first Muff March in response to the rising demand for “designer vagina” cosmetic surgeries in the UK. Organized by the women’s rights group, UK Feminista, marchers toted signs that read, “keep your mitts off our muffs” and “there’s nothing finer than my vagina!” More than 100 demonstrators marched on Harley Street, well known for its cosmetic surgeon offices, and the event ended with a “muff dance” where ladies thrust and shimmied sporting shaggy, furry and even rainbow coloured pubic wigs, also known as merkins, between their legs. Watch a short clip of the glorious fuzzy snatch romp below.

According to UK Feminista director, Kat Banyard, the purpose of the Muff March was not only to speak out against the rise of vaginal surgeries like labiaplasties (which decrease the size of the labia by cutting away part of it) and the cosmetic surgeons who profit from them, but to expose a growing pornographic beauty standard that pressures women to shave, tighten and trim their pussies.

“Women’s beauty regimes increasingly encompass ‘ideals’ peddled by the pornography industry, like the porn norm of women removing all their pubic hair, the industry preferring its performers to look more like pre-pubescent girls,” says Banyard. “Now pornography is exposing women to the toxic myth that there is one ‘right’ way for their labia to look. It’s time to fight back.”

Gaga knows how to shake a merkin.

The Muff March has cited statistics to prove these growing trends. For instance, in 2010 the Harley Medical Group received over 5,000 cosmetic gynecology inquiries. Overall, 65 percent of the queries were for labial reduction, while the rest addressed vaginal tightening and reshaping.

Popular cosmetic procedures include vaginal rejuvenation, which tightens the vagina, and revirgination, also known as hymenoplasty, a surgical procedure which reattaches the hymen and is often promoted as allowing women to recapture that magical cherry-popping experience. Another surgery, where the labia minora are completely amputated to create a “smooth” appearance is known in the cosmetic field as “the Barbie.” That concept, paired with the name, makes me shudder. And although I feel that women should have the right to decide what they do with their bodies, they should also be aware that there are inherent risks involved. For example, according to research conducted by the International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, procedures like a labiaplasty can potentially damage nerve endings leading to “impaired sexual function”. So in the end, are having perfectly symmetrical, teeny tiny labia worth the effort and the risk?

Now your pussy can be as smooth and non-existent as a Barbie's.

Another march protesting the “designer vagina” trend was held in Kitchener this past November. Led by students from the Sexuality, Marriage and Family program of St. Jerome’s University, one of the University of Waterloo’s colleges, the march was part of the month-long New View Campaign known as “Vulvanomics.” Students marched in front of Kitchener City Hall to challenge the growth of Female Genital Cosmetic Surgery in Canada. A satirical video created by the campaign (featured below) highlights the ways that cosmetic surgeons “privatize those privates”. Cheesy editing aside, it’s a clever, insightful look at an industry that profits on manipulating and shaming women.

But there are those who are voicing concerns about this type of Muff March protesting. For example, The Muffia, a feminist performance artist group who inspired the fake “muffs” donned by Muff marchers in the UK, endorse the protest but raise the questions, “who are we protesting against?” and “what does protesting achieve?”

Personally, I have wondered what effect these types of marches have other than raising awareness about how heavily cultural standards influence women’s attitudes towards their genitals. This alone is an important message to spread, but how do we continue this dialogue and effectively shift attitudes? Popular media everywhere, pornography aside, pressures women to modify their bodies. We’re told to remove fat, wrinkles, freckles, hair, blemishes and the list goes on. But it seems to me that marching to protest muff modification is only the first step and the real shift will come when we focus on empowering women to love the natural shapes of their vaginas, regardless of how a porn star like Jenna Jameson’s looks.

I also believe that the voices of women who have felt it necessary to pursue these types of surgeries should be addressed and included in the muff movement. Excluding the experiences of these women deprives the campaign of diverse opinions and hinders its aim to educate and empower larger numbers. As with any cosmetic surgery, I think an effort needs to be made to understand the motives and realities of women who undergo them, in a sensitive way. For instance, if a woman suffers from deep emotional and psychological pain that inhibits her from engaging in sexual experiences, I wouldn’t judge her for resorting to cosmetic surgery in order to attain a degree of confidence and autonomy. But I would also want to know what personal and cultural factors contributed to that decision. And who are we to shame or patronizingly speak for women who have chosen plastic surgery based on their own very valid experiences.

I’m all for women marching and waving their muffs proudly for the world to see, and encouraging others to join in, but I think that a compassionate and understanding effort should be made to include and educate women who have undergone cosmetic surgery, or are considering it, and include their experiences in this dialogue. Preaching to the converted only gets you so far, after all. We should be striving to incorporate everyone’s voices, and marvelous muffs. Only then can we send a truly inclusive message of V acceptance.

Fleshlights for your fright night

28 10 2011

Hallows Eve is fast approaching, and Fleshlights, the manufacturers of artificial twats, has released a freaky new line of toys for gents with more exotic jerk off tastes.

I think that pussy sleeves are an awesome sex toy option for guys who want to add some additional texture to their rub and tug sessions. And now that Fleshlights has introduced a new Freaks series inspired by popular horror flicks, guys can combine their sci-fi love with their five-finger-knuckle-shuffle.

When plain 'ol human pussy just doesn't cut it.

The V’s are modelled after fictional creatures, such as a Dracula, an alien, a cyborg, a zombie and a Frankenstein (Franken-lady?) Each pussy has a unique outer design, with labia’s that range from mildly enticing to massively unappetizing and interior vag textures meant to mimic robotic gizmos and un-dead lady bits. For some horror-filled fun it would have been interesting to see a vagina dentata, known as  a “toothed vagina”, model thrown in there, just to keep guys on their toes.

These guybrators seem tailored to those who have fright night fetishes or perhaps a case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-freaky-vag syndrome. These toys may be gimmicky as hell but you have to admit that there’s often allure in the strange and obscene, and some vibrators are right up there in terms of weirdness.

The vampire’s bat-like labia is quite interesting, in a scary, unnerving way, but not what I expected. I assumed that fangs would be mandatory on a blood sucker’s pussy and, frankly, all the better to drain someone dry with.

Besides being blue, the alien is probably the most boring of the lot and resembles a pitted fruit more than anything else. I actually kind of enjoy the look of the cyborg cooch because it resembles the exterior of a very sleek space ship. I mean it’s kind of a stretch but I suppose if you really put your imagination to work you could conjure up a sexy android squeezing your cock instead of a grooved plastic tube.

"Your hard drive is so big that you just made me short circuit."

But I can’t say the same for the other two models. The Frankenstein comes in at a close second for repulsiveness, and I have to agree whole heartedly with the Fleshbot.com review that this pussy resembles a poorly-made baseball. The stitching on this vag not only seems structurally unsound but makes me want to impulsively cradle my own twat in a protective way.

That's one mangled Franken-pussy.

And my knowledge of flesh lights might be quite limited, but even I know that when a rotted, mutilated hunk of flesh is supposed to resemble a woman’s genitalia then something is horribly, horribly wrong. It might realistically put one in mind of a zombie’s cunt, but logically one shouldn’t want to fuck something that elicits an, “OMYFUCKING GOD, BY ALL THAT’S HOLY, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” response. It looks like it could cause multiple infections, what with the open sores and all. But then again, who am I to judge the necrophilia kink? Besides, zombies need lovin’ too. Even if they wouldn’t actually blow you so much as aggressively chomp on you.

"Gurl, your rotting flesh has never looked sexier."

I would have liked to have seen a werewolf V though. No doubt the fur would have been a helluva lot more realistic, and that’s probably why it didn’t make the cut. I guess these days some guys just want something different, and sometimes that means doing the monster mash with a somewhat off-putting, frightening punany.

Cum one, cum all and learn about bigger, better orgasms!

1 10 2011

“There are many paths up orgasm mountain,” said Carlyle Jansen, the owner of Good For Her sex shop in Toronto. They recently hosted the Bigger, Better, Multiple Orgasms for EVERYbody workshop at the store. Being a big fan of “La petite mort” or “the little death,” as the French say, I showed up to learn from the always candid and confident Jansen about enhancing my own Os and those of my lover(s).

We went over the mechanics of orgasms and how they stem from both physical sensation and psychological triggers. Because if you’re mind is elsewhere, like worrying about whether the person going down on you thinks you taste funky or whether they noticed the tiny patch of hair you forgot to shave, then it makes it harder to cum. To fully feel the sensations you need to have your head in the game. You need to be in the moment. Which can be challenging, especially these days when our growing need to be connected to everything and everyone at all times leaves us with the attention spans of gnats. So try and slot in some sexy time in your head and leave the to-do list for later.

And on the topic of mind-blocks, we also addressed the orgasm peer pressure that women can take on when we feel like we’re not climaxing soon enough for our partners. We fall into the trap of worrying about it, which distracts us even farther from our goal. Like when you start telling yourself, “I really want to cum, I’m so close. Almost there. OK, here we go. Fuck! I lost it. C’mon. C’MON!!!!” It’s kind of like you become your own annoying cheerleader and profanity-spewing coach all rolled into one. And the reality is that women, on average, can take about twice as long to orgasm as men do. So there’s no need to get our knickers in a knot if a male partner blows his load in 10 minutes and we’re only starting to see fireworks after twenty. So cool your jets and try and enjoy the ride ladies. I mean it’s an orgasm, not a 200-meter dash. Not only can you enjoy the scenery, it’s encouraged.


Moving on, we got into ways you can upgrade your orgasms to the next level. One technique to amplify your O is to crank up the volume on your climactic chorus. It always feels better when you can just let loose and moan, or shriek like a banshee if that’s your style. An orgasm is supposed to be about release, not suppression. So when you think about it, stifling your moans is a bit counter productive. Unfortunately due to a number of factors like, for example, roommates, thin walls, living with your parents or Catholicism-induced guilt, many feel pressured to lower their lewd sound effects. Which is shame because an orgasm shouldn’t be treated like a visit to the museum. It should be a natural, animalistic, thunderous expression of pleasure. So try getting loud, and to hell with the neighbours upstairs. If you have to endure their kid’s incessant saxophone practicing they can stand to hear you hit your operatic high notes.

And for those who want to cum using a new sensation as opposed to a tried, true and tested method Jansen gave us the low down. Apparently there are two opposing theories about how to go about retraining your orgasm itinerary. Say, for instance, you can only cum when you’re clit-happy. In theory, number one you would start to stimulate your clit the way you do normally. But as soon as you reach that pleasure plateau before climax (the one where you need to bring in your top notch fantasy, change up porn scenes, or give yourself pep talks) you switch up your method, like start to finger your G-spot (which I’ll get deeper into later). At first you may not make it to the finish, but as you experiment with the timing you’ll have to rely less on clit-play until eventually you won’t need it at all. Kind of like taking the clitoral training wheels of your masturbation bike. And since my mind just went there I’ll insert a disclaimer that you should never jill off while cycling, even if you’re wearing a helmet.

Someday you’ll be pro at this.

Theory number two is a little more intense. Basically, if you can only cum while polishing your pearl then that bauble is off-limits. You need to find another route to get to orgasm town, and no matter how often you get lost on the way, you can’t go back to the old route. Kind of like quitting smoking cold turkey, this method is all about rewiring yourself, which sounds daunting and frustrating, especially because we are creatures of habit. Carlyle compared it to having your car break down before you have to go to work. The first day will be a mad scramble to find tokens, or your bike, and you’ll get to office late. But the next day you’ll get up earlier, jump on transit, and it will be easier. Eventually you’ll have the new route down pat. It just takes patience, and maybe some titillating aids like porn or erotica.

Then we tackled multiple orgasms, which are all about riding the arousal rollercoaster before it plummets. Once you climax your arousal level starts to drop, and in the instance where you’re stimulating your clit, it also becomes highly sensitive to touch. So your best bet is to give your clit a rest but keep the good times going by diverting your attention elsewhere. For instance you could caress your labia, which contains a lot of nerve endings, or if you’re into butt play, your anus is a nerve ending gold mine, and the equal opportunity orifice of all sexes, as Jansen pointed out. Then you can quickly work yourself back up to round two and hopefully many more.

You may love riding the arousal roller coaster but eventually you have to get off.

Another fun element of Os that we addressed is female ejaculation. Any woman can do it. One easy way is to pay homage to the all mighty G-spot. While aroused, if you insert your finger(s) in your vagina and make a come hither motion towards your belly button you can find you’re G-spot, although you may have to try going shallow or deep, because the location isn’t the same for every woman. Some may also need to exert more pressure. The G-spot is also known as the urethral sponge and it’s located below the bladder, which results in that misleading I’m-about-to-piss-myself feeling. When you stimulate it the sponge fills with liquid, and if you bear down as if you are going to pee while you’re cumming you can create your own little rain spout. But what happens to the liquid when you don’t ejaculate, you may be wondering? It drains into the bladder and exits the body the next time you tinkle, which is often why we feel the need to piss like a racehorse right after sex.  Watch the vid below for an engaging, clear, instructional video on female ejaculation from Jaiya, a world-renown New World Sex Educator.

Jansen shared a story about a friend of hers who was keen to master wet and wild climaxing. She practiced for an afternoon using a sex toy while on the toilet because the porcelain bowl was a place she felt comfortable squirting into. So if you’re a little anxious about wetting your sheets you can always conduct your practice rounds in the shower. Or you could pull out a tarp and go at it slip and slide style. And as for the myth that a porn star can gush gallons of liquid from her pussy, in reality the amount that you squirt when you orgasm would only fill a shot glass in its entirety. It may look like a lot when it’s shooting out like a geyser, but it’s only a mere puddle when it’s concentrated, so no need to run for your plastic poncho.

Ok baby! Turn on the waterworks!

What I took way from the workshop is that whether you’re playing with your fingers or vibrator, being rammed with a strap-on or riding someone in a bus terminal washroom, anyone can experience, bigger, better, multiple orgasms. It’s just a matter of making the time, being open to new sensations and going at it. And why not? The only kind of Os you shouldn’t be having regularly are the fake ones.

News Clits

16 09 2011

An energy drink named after our bajingos gives ladies more excuses to say “drink my pussy!”

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week’s energy drink may not give you wings, but it might leave behind a familiar after taste.

When you want a boost of energy, why chug a Red Bull or a Monster when you can slurp up some Pussy? An energy drink created by a 21-year-old in the U.K. is named after women’s lady bits. I shit you not. Refreshing or perturbing? Here’s a description from their website:

“Pussy is a 100% natural drink. No nasty chemicals and nothing manufactured. It is made for people looking for a natural alternative. The name Pussy shocks and demands attention – that’s the point. Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity. This is a premium energy drink named with confidence. Pussy believes in natural energy – because it’s better for you.”

Hmmm, a 100% natural pussy. Interesting concept. Does that mean no shaving, bleaching or piercing? But I digress. Does naming a drink after genitalia display confidence? Not really. It looks like more of a pathetic stunt to sell an unhealthy stimulant with overtly controversial visual marketing. Pussy is obviously targeted to men by offering women up as a purchasable chalice of sorts, which is interesting because men aren’t usually portrayed as avid pussy drinkers. In fact, a fella who is thirsty for the V is refreshing, since the common stereotype is that men don’t often go out of their way to go down on women. Or it’s made out to be this huge task that deserves a reward. Horror-filled cries of foul smelling fish markets and other immature comparisons are still typical, which makes the concept of men eagerly licking up cooch-in-a-can even more comical. Here’s a great parody video from Crash, Boom, Bang Theatre that plays on the flavour factor. I especially love their suggested, “Road Trip: Been in the car for 12 hours pussy.”

And on the flipside I doubt that a drink named “Cock” would fare very well among a female audience. I mean, I can’t think of a marketing campaign less appetising. Especially since the ads would likely involve women guzzling cans of “Cock”, licking their lips suggestively and dribbling it onto their tits in slow motion. Yum. I can hear the voice over now, “Cock is salty, warm and explosive in your mouth! Warning: a chaser is recommended.”

But I do enjoy Pussy’s ad with the woman’s extra cheeky naked bottom and a man kneeling before her to drink from her holy grail. It conjures up this kind of dialogue, “You better be thirsty boy! Drink it up! Chug that shit!” It’s equally ridiculous and hilarious. And everyone from Jezebelle to FitPerez has joined in on the pun-filled Pussy mocking.

Plus, this vag has personality to spare! In fact, if Pussy joined Lavalife or eHarmony, the description below would fit nicely in its profile. I’m sure it would get lots of attention, but it might have to be careful about what pictures it uploads.

 Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. A moment when something happens and when things begin – Pussy starts conversations. It believes in having a good time as often as possible.”

Well when I’m having a night out at the bar I like to bring a spontaneous pussy along, one that’s up for Rocky Mountain Bear Fuckers  and karaoke. And you can’t beat an optimistic pussy. A depressed pussy is such a goddamn buzz kill. And everyone loves to talk about a pussy that’s in the tabloids, making sex tapes and flaunting herself as she exits vehicles. Sounds like one fun pussy!

And when it comes to Pussy’s impressive list of organic ingredients, it’s got herbs and shit, so you know it’s good. Here’s a description of one, Gingko Biloba:

“According to studies, Gingko Biloba improves attention span and protects against oxidative cell damage. Particularly famously known as ‘the brain herb’ it is used to enhance memory and concentration.”

Wow. What can’t this pussy do? This pussy can restore vision to the blind. It will give you the strength to kill hundreds of men in gladiatorial combat without breaking a sweat. It will make you live for all of eternity and bring loved ones back from the dead. Yes, this pussy has it all.

But my biggest question is what are the side effects of having too much Pussy? Hearing loss? Seizures? Hallucinations? I think there should be a warning on the label. Something like: remember to drink pussy responsibly. And make sure to cum back for more.

"Mmmmmmm that's some good pussy!"