On Saturday Dec. 17, London had its first Muff March in response to the rising demand for “designer vagina” cosmetic surgeries in the UK. Organized by the women’s rights group, UK Feminista, marchers toted signs that read, “keep your mitts off our muffs” and “there’s nothing finer than my vagina!” More than 100 demonstrators marched on Harley Street, well known for its cosmetic surgeon offices, and the event ended with a “muff dance” where ladies thrust and shimmied sporting shaggy, furry and even rainbow coloured pubic wigs, also known as merkins, between their legs. Watch a short clip of the glorious fuzzy snatch romp below.

According to UK Feminista director, Kat Banyard, the purpose of the Muff March was not only to speak out against the rise of vaginal surgeries like labiaplasties (which decrease the size of the labia by cutting away part of it) and the cosmetic surgeons who profit from them, but to expose a growing pornographic beauty standard that pressures women to shave, tighten and trim their pussies.

“Women’s beauty regimes increasingly encompass ‘ideals’ peddled by the pornography industry, like the porn norm of women removing all their pubic hair, the industry preferring its performers to look more like pre-pubescent girls,” says Banyard. “Now pornography is exposing women to the toxic myth that there is one ‘right’ way for their labia to look. It’s time to fight back.”

Gaga knows how to shake a merkin.

The Muff March has cited statistics to prove these growing trends. For instance, in 2010 the Harley Medical Group received over 5,000 cosmetic gynecology inquiries. Overall, 65 percent of the queries were for labial reduction, while the rest addressed vaginal tightening and reshaping.

Popular cosmetic procedures include vaginal rejuvenation, which tightens the vagina, and revirgination, also known as hymenoplasty, a surgical procedure which reattaches the hymen and is often promoted as allowing women to recapture that magical cherry-popping experience. Another surgery, where the labia minora are completely amputated to create a “smooth” appearance is known in the cosmetic field as “the Barbie.” That concept, paired with the name, makes me shudder. And although I feel that women should have the right to decide what they do with their bodies, they should also be aware that there are inherent risks involved. For example, according to research conducted by the International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, procedures like a labiaplasty can potentially damage nerve endings leading to “impaired sexual function”. So in the end, are having perfectly symmetrical, teeny tiny labia worth the effort and the risk?

Now your pussy can be as smooth and non-existent as a Barbie's.

Another march protesting the “designer vagina” trend was held in Kitchener this past November. Led by students from the Sexuality, Marriage and Family program of St. Jerome’s University, one of the University of Waterloo’s colleges, the march was part of the month-long New View Campaign known as “Vulvanomics.” Students marched in front of Kitchener City Hall to challenge the growth of Female Genital Cosmetic Surgery in Canada. A satirical video created by the campaign (featured below) highlights the ways that cosmetic surgeons “privatize those privates”. Cheesy editing aside, it’s a clever, insightful look at an industry that profits on manipulating and shaming women.

But there are those who are voicing concerns about this type of Muff March protesting. For example, The Muffia, a feminist performance artist group who inspired the fake “muffs” donned by Muff marchers in the UK, endorse the protest but raise the questions, “who are we protesting against?” and “what does protesting achieve?”

Personally, I have wondered what effect these types of marches have other than raising awareness about how heavily cultural standards influence women’s attitudes towards their genitals. This alone is an important message to spread, but how do we continue this dialogue and effectively shift attitudes? Popular media everywhere, pornography aside, pressures women to modify their bodies. We’re told to remove fat, wrinkles, freckles, hair, blemishes and the list goes on. But it seems to me that marching to protest muff modification is only the first step and the real shift will come when we focus on empowering women to love the natural shapes of their vaginas, regardless of how a porn star like Jenna Jameson’s looks.

I also believe that the voices of women who have felt it necessary to pursue these types of surgeries should be addressed and included in the muff movement. Excluding the experiences of these women deprives the campaign of diverse opinions and hinders its aim to educate and empower larger numbers. As with any cosmetic surgery, I think an effort needs to be made to understand the motives and realities of women who undergo them, in a sensitive way. For instance, if a woman suffers from deep emotional and psychological pain that inhibits her from engaging in sexual experiences, I wouldn’t judge her for resorting to cosmetic surgery in order to attain a degree of confidence and autonomy. But I would also want to know what personal and cultural factors contributed to that decision. And who are we to shame or patronizingly speak for women who have chosen plastic surgery based on their own very valid experiences.

I’m all for women marching and waving their muffs proudly for the world to see, and encouraging others to join in, but I think that a compassionate and understanding effort should be made to include and educate women who have undergone cosmetic surgery, or are considering it, and include their experiences in this dialogue. Preaching to the converted only gets you so far, after all. We should be striving to incorporate everyone’s voices, and marvelous muffs. Only then can we send a truly inclusive message of V acceptance.

I think that pussy sleeves are an awesome sex toy option for guys who want to add some additional texture to their rub and tug sessions. And now that Fleshlights has introduced a new Freaks series inspired by popular horror flicks, guys can combine their sci-fi love with their five-finger-knuckle-shuffle.

When plain 'ol human pussy just doesn't cut it.

The V’s are modelled after fictional creatures, such as a Dracula, an alien, a cyborg, a zombie and a Frankenstein (Franken-lady?) Each pussy has a unique outer design, with labia’s that range from mildly enticing to massively unappetizing and interior vag textures meant to mimic robotic gizmos and un-dead lady bits. For some horror-filled fun it would have been interesting to see a vagina dentata, known as  a “toothed vagina”, model thrown in there, just to keep guys on their toes.

These guybrators seem tailored to those who have fright night fetishes or perhaps a case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-freaky-vag syndrome. These toys may be gimmicky as hell but you have to admit that there’s often allure in the strange and obscene, and some vibrators are right up there in terms of weirdness.

The vampire’s bat-like labia is quite interesting, in a scary, unnerving way, but not what I expected. I assumed that fangs would be mandatory on a blood sucker’s pussy and, frankly, all the better to drain someone dry with.

Besides being blue, the alien is probably the most boring of the lot and resembles a pitted fruit more than anything else. I actually kind of enjoy the look of the cyborg cooch because it resembles the exterior of a very sleek space ship. I mean it’s kind of a stretch but I suppose if you really put your imagination to work you could conjure up a sexy android squeezing your cock instead of a grooved plastic tube.

"Your hard drive is so big that you just made me short circuit."

But I can’t say the same for the other two models. The Frankenstein comes in at a close second for repulsiveness, and I have to agree whole heartedly with the Fleshbot.com review that this pussy resembles a poorly-made baseball. The stitching on this vag not only seems structurally unsound but makes me want to impulsively cradle my own twat in a protective way.

That's one mangled Franken-pussy.

And my knowledge of flesh lights might be quite limited, but even I know that when a rotted, mutilated hunk of flesh is supposed to resemble a woman’s genitalia then something is horribly, horribly wrong. It might realistically put one in mind of a zombie’s cunt, but logically one shouldn’t want to fuck something that elicits an, “OMYFUCKING GOD, BY ALL THAT’S HOLY, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!” response. It looks like it could cause multiple infections, what with the open sores and all. But then again, who am I to judge the necrophilia kink? Besides, zombies need lovin’ too. Even if they wouldn’t actually blow you so much as aggressively chomp on you.

"Gurl, your rotting flesh has never looked sexier."

I would have liked to have seen a werewolf V though. No doubt the fur would have been a helluva lot more realistic, and that’s probably why it didn’t make the cut. I guess these days some guys just want something different, and sometimes that means doing the monster mash with a somewhat off-putting, frightening punany.

We went over the mechanics of orgasms and how they stem from both physical sensation and psychological triggers. Because if you’re mind is elsewhere, like worrying about whether the person going down on you thinks you taste funky or whether they noticed the tiny patch of hair you forgot to shave, then it makes it harder to cum. To fully feel the sensations you need to have your head in the game. You need to be in the moment. Which can be challenging, especially these days when our growing need to be connected to everything and everyone at all times leaves us with the attention spans of gnats. So try and slot in some sexy time in your head and leave the to-do list for later.

And on the topic of mind-blocks, we also addressed the orgasm peer pressure that women can take on when we feel like we’re not climaxing soon enough for our partners. We fall into the trap of worrying about it, which distracts us even farther from our goal. Like when you start telling yourself, “I really want to cum, I’m so close. Almost there. OK, here we go. Fuck! I lost it. C’mon. C’MON!!!!” It’s kind of like you become your own annoying cheerleader and profanity-spewing coach all rolled into one. And the reality is that women, on average, can take about twice as long to orgasm as men do. So there’s no need to get our knickers in a knot if a male partner blows his load in 10 minutes and we’re only starting to see fireworks after twenty. So cool your jets and try and enjoy the ride ladies. I mean it’s an orgasm, not a 200-meter dash. Not only can you enjoy the scenery, it’s encouraged.

Almost there! DAMMIT! A CHARLEY HORSE! AUGH!!!!

Moving on, we got into ways you can upgrade your orgasms to the next level. One technique to amplify your O is to crank up the volume on your climactic chorus. It always feels better when you can just let loose and moan, or shriek like a banshee if that’s your style. An orgasm is supposed to be about release, not suppression. So when you think about it, stifling your moans is a bit counter productive. Unfortunately due to a number of factors like, for example, roommates, thin walls, living with your parents or Catholicism-induced guilt, many feel pressured to lower their lewd sound effects. Which is shame because an orgasm shouldn’t be treated like a visit to the museum. It should be a natural, animalistic, thunderous expression of pleasure. So try getting loud, and to hell with the neighbours upstairs. If you have to endure their kid’s incessant saxophone practicing they can stand to hear you hit your operatic high notes.

And for those who want to cum using a new sensation as opposed to a tried, true and tested method Jansen gave us the low down. Apparently there are two opposing theories about how to go about retraining your orgasm itinerary. Say, for instance, you can only cum when you’re clit-happy. In theory, number one you would start to stimulate your clit the way you do normally. But as soon as you reach that pleasure plateau before climax (the one where you need to bring in your top notch fantasy, change up porn scenes, or give yourself pep talks) you switch up your method, like start to finger your G-spot (which I’ll get deeper into later). At first you may not make it to the finish, but as you experiment with the timing you’ll have to rely less on clit-play until eventually you won’t need it at all. Kind of like taking the clitoral training wheels of your masturbation bike. And since my mind just went there I’ll insert a disclaimer that you should never jill off while cycling, even if you’re wearing a helmet.

Someday you'll be pro at this.

Theory number two is a little more intense. Basically, if you can only cum while polishing your pearl then that bauble is off-limits. You need to find another route to get to orgasm town, and no matter how often you get lost on the way, you can’t go back to the old route. Kind of like quitting smoking cold turkey, this method is all about rewiring yourself, which sounds daunting and frustrating, especially because we are creatures of habit. Carlyle compared it to having your car break down before you have to go to work. The first day will be a mad scramble to find tokens, or your bike, and you’ll get to office late. But the next day you’ll get up earlier, jump on transit, and it will be easier. Eventually you’ll have the new route down pat. It just takes patience, and maybe some titillating aids like porn or erotica.

Then we tackled multiple orgasms, which are all about riding the arousal rollercoaster before it plummets. Once you climax your arousal level starts to drop, and in the instance where you’re stimulating your clit, it also becomes highly sensitive to touch. So your best bet is to give your clit a rest but keep the good times going by diverting your attention elsewhere. For instance you could caress your labia, which contains a lot of nerve endings, or if you’re into butt play, your anus is a nerve ending gold mine, and the equal opportunity orifice of all sexes, as Jansen pointed out. Then you can quickly work yourself back up to round two and hopefully many more.

You may love riding the arousal roller coaster but eventually you have to get off.

Another fun element of Os that we addressed is female ejaculation. Any woman can do it. One easy way is to pay homage to the all mighty G-spot. While aroused, if you insert your finger(s) in your vagina and make a come hither motion towards your belly button you can find you’re G-spot, although you may have to try going shallow or deep, because the location isn’t the same for every woman. Some may also need to exert more pressure. The G-spot is also known as the urethral sponge and it’s located below the bladder, which results in that misleading I’m-about-to-piss-myself feeling. When you stimulate it the sponge fills with liquid, and if you bear down as if you are going to pee while you’re cumming you can create your own little rain spout. But what happens to the liquid when you don’t ejaculate, you may be wondering? It drains into the bladder and exits the body the next time you tinkle, which is often why we feel the need to piss like a racehorse right after sex.  Watch the vid below for an engaging, clear, instructional video on female ejaculation from Jaiya, a world-renown New World Sex Educator.

Jansen shared a story about a friend of hers who was keen to master wet and wild climaxing. She practiced for an afternoon using a sex toy while on the toilet because the porcelain bowl was a place she felt comfortable squirting into. So if you’re a little anxious about wetting your sheets you can always conduct your practice rounds in the shower. Or you could pull out a tarp and go at it slip and slide style. And as for the myth that a porn star can gush gallons of liquid from her pussy, in reality the amount that you squirt when you orgasm would only fill a shot glass in its entirety. It may look like a lot when it’s shooting out like a geyser, but it’s only a mere puddle when it’s concentrated, so no need to run for your plastic poncho.

Ok baby! Turn on the waterworks!

What I took way from the workshop is that whether you’re playing with your fingers or vibrator, being rammed with a strap-on or riding someone in a bus terminal washroom, anyone can experience, bigger, better, multiple orgasms. It’s just a matter or making the time, being open to new sensations and going at it. And why not? The only kind of Os you shouldn’t be having regularly are the fake ones.

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week’s energy drink may not give you wings, but it might leave behind a familiar after taste.

When you want a boost of energy, why chug a Red Bull or a Monster when you can slurp up some Pussy? An energy drink created by a 21-year-old in the U.K. is named after women’s lady bits. I shit you not. Refreshing or perturbing? Here’s a description from their website:

“Pussy is a 100% natural drink. No nasty chemicals and nothing manufactured. It is made for people looking for a natural alternative. The name Pussy shocks and demands attention – that’s the point. Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity. This is a premium energy drink named with confidence. Pussy believes in natural energy – because it’s better for you.”

Hmmm, a 100% natural pussy. Interesting concept. Does that mean no shaving, bleaching or piercing? But I digress. Does naming a drink after genitalia display confidence? Not really. It looks like more of a pathetic stunt to sell an unhealthy stimulant with overtly controversial visual marketing. Pussy is obviously targeted to men by offering women up as a purchasable chalice of sorts, which is interesting because men aren’t usually portrayed as avid pussy drinkers. In fact, a fella who is thirsty for the V is refreshing, since the common stereotype is that men don’t often go out of their way to go down on women. Or it’s made out to be this huge task that deserves a reward. Horror-filled cries of foul smelling fish markets and other immature comparisons are still typical, which makes the concept of men eagerly licking up cooch-in-a-can even more comical. Here’s a great parody video from Crash, Boom, Bang Theatre that plays on the flavour factor. I especially love their suggested, “Road Trip: Been in the car for 12 hours pussy.”

And on the flipside I doubt that a drink named “Cock” would fare very well among a female audience. I mean, I can’t think of a marketing campaign less appetising. Especially since the ads would likely involve women guzzling cans of “Cock”, licking their lips suggestively and dribbling it onto their tits in slow motion. Yum. I can hear the voice over now, “Cock is salty, warm and explosive in your mouth! Warning: a chaser is recommended.”

But I do enjoy Pussy’s ad with the woman’s extra cheeky naked bottom and a man kneeling before her to drink from her holy grail. It conjures up this kind of dialogue, “You better be thirsty boy! Drink it up! Chug that shit!” It’s equally ridiculous and hilarious. And everyone from Jezebelle to FitPerez has joined in on the pun-filled Pussy mocking.

Plus, this vag has personality to spare! In fact, if Pussy joined Lavalife or eHarmony, the description below would fit nicely in its profile. I’m sure it would get lots of attention, but it might have to be careful about what pictures it uploads.

 “Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. A moment when something happens and when things begin – Pussy starts conversations. It believes in having a good time as often as possible.”

Well when I’m having a night out at the bar I like to bring a spontaneous pussy along, one that’s up for Rocky Mountain Bear Fuckers  and karaoke. And you can’t beat an optimistic pussy. A depressed pussy is such a goddamn buzz kill. And everyone loves to talk about a pussy that’s in the tabloids, making sex tapes and flaunting herself as she exits vehicles. Sounds like one fun pussy!

And when it comes to Pussy’s impressive list of organic ingredients, it’s got herbs and shit, so you know it’s good. Here’s a description of one, Gingko Biloba:

“According to studies, Gingko Biloba improves attention span and protects against oxidative cell damage. Particularly famously known as ‘the brain herb’ it is used to enhance memory and concentration.”

Wow. What can’t this pussy do? This pussy can restore vision to the blind. It will give you the strength to kill hundreds of men in gladiatorial combat without breaking a sweat. It will make you live for all of eternity and bring loved ones back from the dead. Yes, this pussy has it all.

But my biggest question is what are the side effects of having too much Pussy? Hearing loss? Seizures? Hallucinations? I think there should be a warning on the label. Something like: remember to drink pussy responsibly. And make sure to cum back for more.

"Mmmmmmm that's some good pussy!"

Here on the Vlog we provide commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex- and health-related topics. This week’s douching product will turn your vertical smile into a vertical frown.

A new ad campaign for the douching product Summer’s Eve, entitled “Hail to the V” did anything but. In the first place, I have big beef with douching products. They’re unhealthy and unnecessary, selling shame and bullshit unhygienic insecurities to women while potentially messing with the pH balance in the vagina. That means god awful itchy yeast infections in your future, not wafting scents of rose petals and lavender like a walking Glade PlugIn.

But Summer’s Eve found another way to try and stuff douching products up our ying yangs (And they don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to advertising). This time they used talking pussy hand puppets that spouted offensive racial stereotypes. Three separate ads represented an African American, Latina and Caucasian woman’s vagina cajoling her to use Summer’s Eve products, as if by doing so she’s showing her V some love. Check out some short clips of the spectacular train wrecks below, with commentary from the online news show, The Young Turks.

But the ad agency, The Richards Group, who recently defended the campaign by calling it “relatable,” pulled the ads on Wednesday in response to the enormous negative backlash. The agency gave this statement about the ads to the media news website Adweek: “We do not think they are stereotypical, nor did we obviously intend that. However, it’s a subjective point of view. There seems to be an important perception out there that they may be, and we would never want to perpetuate that.” The agency originally defended the ads, claiming that their “multicultural experts” confirmed that the videos were relatable. What I’d like to know is what kind of dubious “experts” did they consult? The ads include the type of vernacular that we hear from tired caricatures, like the black woman’s “Mhmmmmmmm” and the Latina woman’s “Ay-yi-yi.” I half expected to hear an “Arrrrrrrrrrriba!” tossed in there for good measure.

Apparently Latina vaginas don't like leopard print thongs.

The campaign has raised critiques that ad agencies lack minority voices to filter these types of racially insensitive representations, according to Daily News. Throwing around these kinds of stereotypes doesn’t empower women; it racially stigmatizes them by portraying them as sassy, one-trick-pony sound bytes. Even Stephen Colbert weighed in on the ridiculous caricatures. After watching the African American vagina ad on The Colbert Report, he stated, “Wow, that vagina really had an urban feel. It’s even more convincing than Tyler Perry’s vagina.” He even provided his own spoof ad that addresses men and their “deeply troubling genitals” by marketing a pine-scented dick scrub. I love the concept, especially the cucumber ball dip for the man-on-the-go.

Now I enjoy a talking vagina as much as the next person – hell, probably more – but I don’t enjoy seeing them portrayed as inherently unclean and in need of manufactured cleansers in order to hit the club or freshen up after the gym. Plus, if my V could talk she would probably be more inclined to ask for pole dancing lessons, or a mirror on the ceiling so she can get more face time. Funnily enough, in the ad featuring the Caucasian pussy her V exclaims that they should be B.F.F.’s, or sidekicks, while asking very passive aggressively if she can have a little attention. Jesus, get a backbone, vagina! I have to side with Moxie Bird on this one, the Caucasian cooch bores me out of my skull and makes me want to shake some assertiveness into her. However strange that statement sounds, I stand by it.

Summer’s Eve may have claimed that their campaign was empowering because they used the word “vagina” when many media outlets don’t allow it, but that clearly didn’t cut it. Portraying different races as cookie-cutter caricatures certainly got women talking, but not in a way that benefited Summer’s Eve. The company that markets V products should know that if our cunts could speak they would say, “Don’t talk down to us, douche.”

*Warning: some of these ideas are totally unreasonable. 1234V takes no responsibility for the severe public embarrassment, frost bite or chaffing that some of these activities may cause.

1. Strap an ice pack pad over your underwear. The only downside is it would be fairly bulky, like those chunky-thick menstrual pads from the 60s, only colder. And once it melts it will undoubtedly look like you pissed yourself. No one said staying cool doesn’t come without sacrifices.

2. Affix a miniature fan to the front of your skivvies. This isn’t really feasible under pants or tights, but perfect for a skirt. Think perma-Marilyn Munroe moments all day long. Just hold ‘er down and smile for all the bemused and horrified onlookers. But be wary of the electric unit short circuiting in your panties and catching ablaze. Because then you have a forest fire on your hands. Plus, that won’t be a fun hospital visit.

Keep an eye on your skirt to avoid this.

3. Skinny dip your cunny frequently. Spy a public fountain? Strip down and dip your digit in there. Your neighbour has a pool? Great, abuse that shit by hopping the fence and soaking your clam during your lunch break. Will the sight of a half naked woman popping a twat-squat into the shallow end of a pool alarm the occupants of neighbouring houses? Probably, but putting on a show is the price you pay for reducing your volcanic vag inferno.

4. Dive vag-first down a slip’n’slide covered in very, very cold water. Aside from rekindling nostalgic childhood memories, the upside to this is you can pull the wet plastic runway out anywhere and take a plunge. Maybe check to make sure that there are no children around because there will be a lot of dramatic, splash zone frontal nudity.

Wet and wild and somewhat inappropriate.

5. Persuade a pack of men to stand in a circle around you and simultaneously pump streams of H20 at your pussy with fully loaded Super Soakers. Kind of like a giant bukkake-themed water fight, except less disgusting.

6. Carry around some slices of English cucumber and stuff them up your Venus Flytrap. The added bonus of this Martha Stewart-inspired tip is that you will waft a cool, fresh scent all day long. Just make sure to check and replace them often because nobody needs a pickled pussy.

7. Take up ice sculpting and fashion yourself an icicle dildo. For all the temperature play fans out there this one could be both very hot and cold. The only downside is your masturbation sessions will get shorter because if you don’t cum then obviously your frosty fuck-toy won’t wait for you. Think about sexy chilly figures throughout history, like Jack Frost, Suzy Snowflake, the Snow Queen, Bonhomme, Mr. Freeze (guuurl, you know he’s packing), and Sarah Palin. Just make sure to jill off speedily so you don’t end up with a creamy slushie in your twat, unless that suits you or your partner’s tastes. Then go ahead and sluuuuurp!

Frostbite anyone?

Here on the Vlog we will now be providing commentary on cunt-related news, covering a broad range of sex and health related topics. Because May is National Masturbation Month this story slips in quite nicely.

Ana Catarian Bezerra, a 36-year-old accountant, legally won the right to pleasure herself and watch porn in her workplace. She argued that because she has a chemical imbalance that causes anxiety and hypersexuality, her only source of relief is to beat around the bush frequently and a Brazilian judge ruled in her favour. She claims that sometimes she would rub her nubbin’ 47 times a day! That’s quite an intimidating feat, especially when you consider all the multitasking between your morning email rounds, your lunch date and your afternoon meetings. That’s also a hell of a lot of hand washing trips, unless you keep a bottle of hand sanitizer at the ready.

Double-clicking your mouse all day is hard work.

Bezerra sought professional help and is now taking a prescribed combination of medications that cut her pussy pampering sessions to 18 times a day. I guess that’s a relief, less than half the amount. But looking at that number still makes me feel tired. Not to mention sore. But not everyone weighing in on this feels like it’s a victory for accommodating unique sexual needs in the workplace. Although this case enters into un-chartered territory the concern seems to focus on whether or not Bezerra’s needs infringe on the privacy rights or comfort of her co-workers. An etiquette expert even went so far as to suggest that she shouldn’t have her ankles up on the desk or dress provocatively in fishnets. I mean really? Is it realistic to think that this woman is going to lay back, with her heels up and her twat on display and put on a show for the benefit of the entire office? This is a sexual need that she obviously struggles with just to get through her day, and while the rights and privacy of her fellow employees is just as important, it’s easy enough to make accommodations to ensure that when Bezerra strums her pink banjo she won’t be in plain view. If adjustments can be made for other disabilities in the workplace I don’ see why this should be any different.

Another point of tension is that this type of sexual disorder is highly contested in the medical community. Hypersexuality is often linked as a symptom of bipolar disorder but the research in this area is still extremely limited. Sex addiction in general is still an issue that psychologists can have trouble diagnosing or even breaching with patients, so the fact that Bezerra’s case was given this type of progressive treatment is a step in the right direction.

What’s nifty is that this court case was won during National Masturbation Month, which was founded in 1995 by San Francisco-based sex shop, Good Vibrations. It was inspired when Joycelyn Elders, a Surgeon General of the United States, who was fired by the White House for suggesting that young people should be taught how to get themselves off as part of sex education because it’s a low-sexual risk activity.

Masturbation is a free, healthy, safe, de-stress tool that we can use independently whenever we feel the need. So take the time to be good to your twat, whether you’re having a quickie in the middle of the afternoon or hosting an all night clit-flick marathon. And even though May is the month for muffin buffin’ it’s something we should do shamelessly all year round. So get off your vagina and do something! Like play with yourself.

Be kind to your cunt.

The vivacious red-head is a Certified Sexuality and HIV Educator from the US and last week she spoke to a group of us about erotic fantasies and healthy, fun ways to communicate them and explore them. She’s also a Sexologist who lectures internationally at educational and sexual institutions, as well as medical schools, where she has helped train doctors to avoid using the clitoris as a thumb rest during pap smears. Reducing law suits and keeping cooches safe is a pretty admirable feat. Not to mention The Vagina Monologues named her “Vagina Warrior of the year.” I’m quite jealous of that title. If I had it I would place it front and centre on my business card.

Andelloux’s spunky attitude and down-to-earth approach to discussing sexual fantasies definitely eased the tension. We began the workshop by drawing sexual fantasies we believe are shared commonly by people. Then we crumpled them, tossed them around the room, picked one up and described it. Examples were: spanking, hot nurse, threesomes, orgies, bondage, and a young girl. Typical, if you’re browsing the homepage of your average porn site.

But our actual sexual fantasies can be very detailed, multifaceted narratives that are selected or change depending on our mood and kinks, whether we are single or in some kind of relationship(s), what kind of porn or erotica we consume, or whatever experiences inspire us. Sex fantasies are the natural choose-your-own-adventure activity of our horny minds. The beauty is that we can engage in them just as easily while doing the laundry as having a quickie in a parking lot or masturbating on a Tuesday night. As Andelloux was quick to point out, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ that we have.

A smorgasbord of fantasy functions

In our discussion we addressed how fantasies can serve various purposes. They can be a hot, entertaining distraction. You know, like when you’re stuck riding the Viva or the Go Train for an hour plus and there isn’t any appealing reading material around. Or they can help us to partake in the impossible, like fantastical situations that involve any combination of vampires, yeti’s, centaurs, mermaids, etc. But fantasies also allow us to participate in situations that we would probably never dream of actually fulfilling, for instance rape, pedophilia or incest. Andelloux emphasized that these examples can have legal implications in real life, and even rape role playing can have serious ramifications if one party decides to pursue legal action afterwards. Because child pornography creation and possession is illegal this is an area that should also be tread carefully. But we didn’t explore the complex implications that these types of fantasies may have on our psyches or our desires in the workshop. Another benefit of fantasizing while you’re polishing the pearl or fucking is that it can result in quicker or longer or more fulfilling orgasms, especially if you need something to jumpstart or regain your mojo.

Your hind legs are looking fine guuuurl

We debated whether or not fantasizing about someone else during sex with a partner constitutes cheating, which got pretty interesting. As Andelloux inquired, what if the person or people you are fantasizing about are faceless? Is it less real or loyal in that case? Personally I believe that as long as a fantasy remains in the realm of fantasy then infidelity is not an issue. But can fantasizing ever become chronic or unhealthy? Andelloux explained that if you cannot function sexually without fantasizing then you might have a problem.

Talk dirty to me

And then there’s the process of actually communicating your fantasy with the partner(s) in your life. There’s always that deep fear that they won’t dig it. Although it puts you in a vulnerable place it can be healthy to share your fantasies with the sexual partners that you trust because if they are on board it can greatly enhance your naughty play. Andelloux pointed out that nowadays you can use your cell to sext your fantasies. Like sending your partner a list of all the things you want them to do to you when you get home, which is technology instant gratification at its best, I’d say. She also suggested getting old school creative and writing a message on your body or leaving dirty instructions around the house for them to find.

I dare say, someone's been a naughty little slut muffin!

When shit gets real

In the second half of the workshop we made the shift from discussing fantasies to talking about practical, safe ways to explore some of them. A topic that we plugged away at the most was butt play. As a self-identifying medical nerd, Andelloux explained the ins and outs of anal anatomy and cleared up myths about uncontrollable bowel movements and the like. Some memorable tips: your rectum will suck things in like a black hole so make sure whatever you stick in it has a wider base; if you need to relax your anus just concentrate on wiggling both your fingers and your toes, or relaxing your jaw, which has a similar effect on the rest of the body; and you should never rip something out of your ass. So if you get the chance to play out your fantasies try to be smart and safe about it, particularly when it comes to butt plugs.

Fuck! I forgot my safeword again!

Held in The Berkeley Church (a venue that is ironic in a sweetly sinful way), Toronto’s sixth annual award ceremony was dedicated to celebrating and praising the porn makers, visionaries and actors who create the lewd content we love to leer at.

Feminist porn has become an appealing alternative to mainstream flicks for me because it showcases real people having hot, kinky sex who aren’t airbrushed to the point of being ridiculously fake, or thrust together without an ounce of mutual sexual desire (mechanical thrusts and disinterested moans are such a huge turn-off). It’s hot to know that the ladies or gents I watch fuck are actually getting off and expressing their authentic desires. I also love that it recognizes the sexiness and legitimacy of all bodies and sexual identities, whether it’s queer, gay, lesbian, straight, bi, trans, or anything in-between.

Watching the awards from the balcony this year, I got the pleasure of observing Ryan’s cheeky banter with host Jane Luk, who was on the stage below, and witnessing, from a mere foot away, his interview with porn star Jizz Lee, who performed in 12 nominated films and is a personal favourite (check out her sizzling chemistry with real-life partner Syd Blakovich in Champion and Superfreak). Another added bonus was that I could easily peek at the deep-dish cleavage of most of the ground-floor audience, including the busty actress April Flores, a fire-engine red head whose sultry curves always heat up the screen.

Besides being a perv, I always love attending the Feminist porn awards because being in the middle of huge community that is coming together to support and embrace sex-positive expression is a really inspiring and empowering thing. It always feels like I’m attending a hot, shameless, secret carnival where the freaks run the show. Being part of such a beautiful, fearless crowd of people has also helped to bring out the perverted, pro-sex feminist in me, and to own it.

As for the award winners of the night, Heartthrob of the Year was coveted by the boyish and gorgeous Drew Deveaux, a trans woman who believes in using the bedroom as an arena for activism. I love that feminist porn can also serve as a platform for gender, race, disability, and sexual orientation consciousness-raising. What better way to address sexual politics that legitimize diverse and fluid experiences than by getting it on, on film?

Hottest Kink Movie went to Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex 2. I’ve been curious about checking this one out for a while, mostly because the DVD includes intimate interviews with each of the submissive actors who discuss how they want their scene to unfold (also, participating actors Dylan Ryan and Madison Young are always scalding hot together). For a BDSM film, which revolves entirely around consensual play, the transparency adds an intriguing dimension and it would be interesting to gain insight into each actor’s domination wish list before watching it in action.

Courtney Trouble won Most Tantalizing Trans Film with Billy Castro Does the Mission, and Movie of the Year went to Erika Lust’s flick, Life Love Lust, which follows three steamy, visually beautiful encounters in Barcelona. You can find a complete list of all of the winners here.

Between awards there were some very tantalizing burlesque performances from Boylesque TO, the city’s oggle-worthy all male troupe, and CoCo La Creme, who has been with the Feminist Porn Awards since it’s origins and also belongs to the sultry Toronto troupe, Skin Tight Outta Sight. Boylesque paid tribute to the sexy baby-daddy trend with their campy number. To start, four fashionable pops rolled out with baby-doll-filled strollers in tow. Each of them coddled their kiddies (and tossed them quite haphazardly, I might add) until the show slowly degenerated into a delicious dancing play date in tiny whities. At the end the daddies rushed back to burp and console their tots in exaggerated concern.

Later, CoCo shimmied, shaked and seduced us on the stage with one of her infamous titillating strip teases. Decked out in a pink belly-dancing costume, which was complete with an Egyptian-style bejeweled head band, she brandished golden wing-like material from her arms with a flourish before ending the show with a twirl of her tassels.

As the night drew to a close the audience dispersed and scrambled as the area before the stage became a sweaty, pulsing dance party. Watching sexy porn stars and normies alike grind and contort to Gaga’s “Born this way” anthem seemed like a perfect end to an evening of shameless self expression, hot lovin’ and steamy smut.

Part 1 of the Boylesque daddy performance

Part 2

Judging by the crowd that gathered at Queen’s park there are a lot of sluts in Toronto. And we are not afraid to show our pride. And not only women. A lot of men marched too. I observed one such man wearing nothing but black underwear as he shuffled amongst the throng, jeans down around his ankles. There were older women in leopard print and pink fur, young women in bold tights and tube tops, fishnets as far as the eye can see, and moms with kids in tow and signs that read, “Sluts R Us!”

The walk was founded after a Toronto police constable told a personal safety class at York University in January that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.” We marched on Sunday because telling a victim that they are responsible, wholly or partly for being sexually assualted based on how short their skirt is, or how much cleavage they show, is bullshit of the most illogical, shameful, disgusting kind. Assault is an issue of gender and power inequality and a woman’s appearance often serves as a scapegoat for the abuser. Rape can happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone, regardless of your wardrobe. Dressing “slutty” has nothing to do with it.

I’ve tried to remove “slut”, as a derogatry term, from my vocabulary because I think that it is a woman’s right to consensually fuck as many partners as she likes, as often as she likes, whether it is purely for pleasure or for work, without it being anyone else’s business. And women predominantly carry the slut label, not men. Many of us have had the word, or another form of it (whore, tramp, skank) hurled at us at one time or another. But by reclaiming slut we have the power to make it our own. “A slut is someone who enjoys a lot of sex, and why not?” said SlutWalk co-founder Sonya JF Barnett, and although everyone marching doesn’t claim the slut title we know that slut shaming is wrong.

Appropriately, we finished our march in front of Police Headquarters, where Barnett explained to the crowd that we were there to call foul on the city’s protective services. “We need and expect better.” Another speaker, activist Jane Doe, declared, “It’s not about one bad apple cop, it’s about the institution.” SlutWalk co-founder, Heather Jarvis, said that the group made three requests to the Toronto police; better sexual assault education and training, the use of an external party to provide recommendations, and community outreach about consent and assault. According to Jarvis, the police did not respond to any of these requests.

The reality is that victim-blaming attitudes still exist in the police force because they are prevalent in mainstream culture. News stories about cheerleaders who are penalized for refusing to cheer for their rapist, who is an athlete on the school team, are becoming more common. In Canada, as of 2009, only six percent of violent crimes, including sexual asault, were reported. And if women continue to be stygmatized by law officials that statistic will only decrease. Increased sensitivity in sexual assault training for police is a must. Apologies don’t cut it, we need action. As the SlutWalk crowd dispersed I spied a sign that articulated this urgency, brandished by a fierce-looking woman rocking jean shorts, black stockings and combat boots. It read, “Survivors have been through enough!”